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WWE WrestleMania 35

World Wrestling Entertainment :: Pay-Per-View Recaps :: Date: April 7th, 2019

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WrestleMania! It hasn't been good in over a decade, but thanks to my best friend having a subscription to the WWE Network I'm gonna be watching it regardless.

I have apparently missed a few matches already. A Cruiserweight Championship match and a women's battle royal. I was too busy looking at pictures of Pikachu. But apparently Carmella won because woke millennials win everything apparently.

The theme song to WrestleMania 35 is I'm A Believer. I'm not going to look up who does it, I'll just assume it's Smash Mouth.

WWE Raw Tag-Team Championships

The Revival vs. Hawkins and Ryder

Keep in mind that I haven't watched WWE since the Royal Rumble. So most of what's been going on I've only seen in small doses.

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Curt Hawkins looks like a Spirit Squad member. I don't quite understand why he's wearing a green body suit.

I see a lot of praise for The Revival, but I don't really get why. They just strike me as Arn Anderson fetishists.

During the match, one of them screams "STAY IN YOUR CORNER AND LOSE LIKE YOU DO." Brutal.

Fucking Zack Ryder was suplexing a dude and they wound up tumbling outside of the ring and almost dying, making the crowd chant "holy shit!" But they don't replay that... but they do replay the Brainbuster on the concrete floor. And it's sponsered by Grubhub!

(What the fuck is Grubhub?)

As I was trying to find out what Grubhub was on AskJeeves, Ryder and Hawkins won! The streak is over! Hawkins losing streak is over! Now he doesn't have to kill himself!

After the match, they introduce the host of American Ninja Warrior. I haven't watched that show since it was on G4TV. I don't care about this dude. Bring back Olivia Munn.

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Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royale

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So apparently two dudes from Saturday Night Live are in here. They're being booed and the crowd is now dead. But they came alive for the Hardy Boyz! Who they immediately cut the fuck away from for a goddamn Grubhub commercial.

Apparently Grubhub is like, a food delivery service because people are so lazy they need people to cook for them AND deliver it.

The good news is that Braun Strowman lost his fat and doesn't look like a giant baby anymore.

The screen faded to black for a second and then they said "The Andre the Giant battle royale is back." As if they went to commercial, but they didn't. I'm confused.

The final three are the two SNL cucks and Braun "Babyface" Strowman. The SNL dude brings in his "therapist" to talk to Braun Strowman... and the therapist is surprisingly buff underneath his suit. Almost as if he's an indy wrestler in a costume.

Strowman chucked the SNL dude into a pile of midcarders and was declared the winner, even though the SNL dude's feet didn't touch the ground.

Well, now the preshow is coming to an end. If the real show is as entertaining as that preshow was... well, this will be a really shitty show.

We're opening with some girl singing America the Beautiful. I don't technically know who she is, so I'm going to kick off this show with Miley Cyrus performing for a bunch of liberals.

Seth Rollins once said "Shakespeare once said, "All the world's a stage."" Which then cut into a lame production package with twirling PNGs of shit that was better than what we're about to sit through.

I swear to God, WWE picks the worst fucking songs for their production. It's like they forgot this is wrestling. This isn't a millennial queef tournament. It's guys beating the shit out of each other.

I think it's great that Becky Lynch is the first woman to headline WrestleMania but it seems unfair to pit her against two guys like this.

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Apparently Alexa Bliss is hosting WrestleMania this year. She says that she's not just a host, she's a Goddess right before she transitions into some weird JOI monologue. She walks out, snaps her fingers and out comes Hulk fucking Hogan!

Heyman marches out and makes his entrance to Hulk Hogan's music and says "If my client Brock Lesnar isn't last, he's getting this over with and getting on a plane to Las Vegas!"

WWE Universal Championship

Brock Lesnar vs. Seth Rollins

As Brock Lesnar kicks the fuck out of Seth Rollins outside the ring, I realized that WWE got rid of the ugly ass screen that usually wraps the ring apron. I'm glad because that thing sucks.

Also, Renee Young is dressed like an important lesbian.

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Lesnar got thrown through the WrestleMania Announce Table cover, which I found out is made of wood because it split in half. I always thought they were plastic or something.

In the time it took me to eat a bag of chips, this match is over. The chips were barbecue and more enjoyable.

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AJ Styles vs. Randy Orton

AJ Styles claims that Randy Orton needed the help of factions like Legacy, Evolution and the Authority to get himself over. Luckily, AJ Styles never had to do that... except for the Christian Coalition, Angle Alliance, Bullet Club, TNA Frontline and Main Event Mafia.

But don't worry: we don't talk about those.

Lacey Evans showed up after the match looking pretty good... but I'm not entirely sure why. She's just showing off a little and posing. I don't really understand... and she's gone.

...oh, AJ Styles won.

WWE SmackDown! Tag Team Championships

The Usos vs. The Bar
vs. Shinsuke Nakamura & Rusev
vs. Ricochet & Aleister Black

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Alright! Mumble rappers in the house! I fucking hate the entire subculture these tryhard posers represent.

I don't understand The Bar. Their entrance, after years, still screams "we just randomly paired these guys together."

...and Shinsuke Nakamura is still employed! Watch your balls! He's reving up his nut punting foot.

Aleister Black comes out with a ton of candles everywhere... or maybe they're CGI candles. I can't tell. I don't really get it. Is he here to fight or fuck somebody?

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I feel like Aleister Black was totally aimless with his tattoos. I mean, he's got tattoos of flowers for fuck sake. Not even edgy flowers like black roses. Like Yoshi's Story health meter flowers.

Between Carmella winning the battle royale and the Usos retaining the tag titles here, it has become obvious that listening to terrible music makes you a better wrestler.

I'd like to point out that the entirety of DX is posing for their Hall of Fame shot while X-Pac is still running around the stage begging for validation from the crowd. Triple H actually had to yell at him to come back over.

Falls Count Anywhere

The Miz vs. Shane McMahon

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Shane McMahon says that the worst thing The Miz's father ever did was fuck The Miz's mom. But I think The Miz's father's penis would disagree because it got to rest comfortable in a warm hole for tens of seconds before jizzing.

Is Shane McMahon going to climb on top of that CGI trophy from his entrance and jump off?

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I don't know how he would but I wanna see him try.

The Miz's father jumped in the mix and challenged Shane McMahon to put up his dukes!

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It went well.

I got up to make chicken nuggets, but I came back to find that The Miz superplexed Shane McMahon through a styrofoam floor but Shane McMahon won. I can't wait for my nuggies.

The Boss 'n' Hug Connection vs. Tamina and Nia Jax
vs. The Iiconics vs. Natalya & Beth Phoenix

Are you ready for maximum autism!? Bailey's in the house!

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I didn't even know there was a WWE Women's Tag-Team Championships.

Bailey's Wacky Inflatable Arm Waving Tube Men fell asleep during the entrance as well.

The entire stadium is shaking from the pure girth of Nia Jax and Tamina.

The Iiconics are fucking annoying looking as fuck. I actually can't stand looking at them. Fucking Instagram model looking motherfuckers.

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Bret Hart's here too! Quick! Jump the barricade and tackle his ass!

...wait, now he's gone too. Maybe he was CGI like all the other stuff on the stage.

Also, Michael Cole said that Beth Phoenix was the "first woman to enter the men's royal rumble."

Chyna was literally inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame last night.

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The Iiconics won the tag belts, and Paige just half-heartedly goes "goosebumps right now! Srsly!"

Like fuck. At least pretend to mean it.

WWE Championship

Kofi Kingston vs. Daniel Bryan

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The announcers mentioned that Daniel Bryan threw the WWE Championship in the garbage. I'm hoping Jim Duggan finds it.

I was honestly hoping that the box Big E was planning to present to Kofi Kingston would have had like, brass knuckles in it or something that he could have knocked out Kofi with and then said "The only reason I wanted you to win the WWE Championship was so I could take it from you!"

It didn't happen like that. Nope. Kofi won, everyone feels good, new New Day t-shirts. Whatever.

It was a good match but I didn't want the feel good moment ending. I wanted it to move onto the next chapter of the story.

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Oh, and apparently The Outsiders are going to finger the buttholes of the SNL guys. Whatever.

WWE United States Championship

Rey Mysterio vs. Samoa Joe

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Not since playing WWE Here Comes the Pain with my TNA created wrestlers in 2009 have I seen Samoa Joe vs. Rey Mysterio. But Bubba Ray Dudley wound up dropping Samoa Joe's car from a forklift, so that was more fun.

The match was like ten seconds. Love it.

Apparently Batista is starring in a movie called Stuber, which seems like a comedy-action movie that's only purpose is to promote Uber.

Drew McIntyre vs. Roman Reigns

From Samoa Joe to Samoan Joe, who despite having cancer is still getting booed by the crowd. Fuck yo tumors.

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Roman Reigns won because cancer.

I found out that WWE is online-streaming people watching WrestleMania... but they're not. Sam Roberts has cupcake frosting all over his face and they're all just laughing and joking around. I'm beyond confused as to why they would broadcast something this distracting. It makes it seem like their shit doesn't matter.

I just found out that neither Lana or Rusev speak with accents anymore. Okay.

This Elias shtick is getting massively old... and how many fucking guys with long black hair and big beards do we need wrestling at the same time? If we were in the NES-era of video games, the WWE game's sprites would all look identical.

Is there a payoff on this redundant bullshit that's coming at some point? Because every time I tune into WWE it's the same fucking promo.

All of a sudden old-school sports footage is being broadcast. Is Elias' mystery opponent Babe Ruth?

I don't know. This is going a while. I think I'm just watching baseball instead of wrestling now.

Oh shit! It's the Doctor of Thugonomics: John Cena! He made all kinds of edgy jokes and said words that rhyme. I'm sold. Yeah, it's corny. But wrestling is supposed to be corny, damn it!

If Triple H Loses, He Must Retire

Batista vs. Triple H

In the vignette, Triple H screams "GET THE DOCTOR!" Like, dude, he was JUST here! Laying some sick rhymes!

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What the fuck has Batista done to himself? Those tattoos are fucking terrible.

Triple H's entrance looks like a trailer for a mobile phone game.

This match had some great, brutal moments. Triple H broke Batista's fingers with a wrench and tore his nose ring out with a pair of plyers. It feels like I'm watching CZW.

Triple H wins and saves his career because he still has movie-based entrances to make at WrestleMania.

The Farewell Match

Baron Corbin vs. Kurt Angle

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This match was hot garbage.

The announcers are shitting on it. Baron Corbin beat him after doing the "You Can't See Me" pose. Then Angle just has them chant "you suck" at him to his music. That's it. That's his career. What the fuck.

WWE Intercontinental Championship

Bobby Lashley vs. Finn Balor

Lashley's new look is fucking sick. He's got colored contacts and he's all pissed. He looks like a Dragon Ball Z villain. I love it. But you know whose look sucks? Finn Balor when he's not dressed like The Demon.

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I was actually rooting for Bobby Lashley, who lost to Balor. I don't really like the Finn Balor Demon thing anymore. But Lashley looks like a real fucking demon. He looks phenomenal.

R-Truth and Carmella come out to bore everyone to death. They say it's time for a dance break and just start spazzing out like fucking idiots.

I cannot believe how much of this night I have spent watching this show.

WWE Women's Championship Unification Match

Charlotte Flair vs. Becky Lynch vs. Ronda Rousey

Not Ric is coming to the arena in a helicopter. If she didn't have the belt around her waist I'd think she had it lodged inside her face. I can't tell if she's got botox or what but her cheeks are higher than Rob Van Dam driving down the interstate in 2006.

Joan Jett's here to play Bad Reputation! But this is a Human Raccoon spinoff webzine, so Miley Cyrus is here too.

Becky Lynch's character might be getting a bit cringey, but it's okay because she's pretty.

I mean, who else can pull of the Blanka look?

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I shit you not, we end the show on a rollup pin where Ronda looks pissed that she lost in such a way. Michael Cole makes a pun and calls it "WrestleMANia." That's literally how we end WrestleFuckingMania.

...

Okay. What in the fuck. Parts of this show were good, but between the Kurt Angle match and that I am baffled.

Best Match of the Night: Kofi Kingston vs. Daniel Bryan (WWE Championship)

Shittiest Match of the Night: Kurt Angle vs. Baron Corbin

I enjoyed WrestleMania 35, but I'm not compelled to tune in tomorrow. I still don't really care to watch WWE regularly. This was their biggest show of the year and it still wasn't as compelling as I feel their weekly shows should be, let alone WrestleFuckingMania.

WWE wanted to really show you that the Women's Revolution is real... because their trackrecord uh... sucks.

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