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WWE Royal Rumble 2020

World Wrestling Entertainment :: Date: January 26th, 2020

This is the Royal Rumble! 30 men will enter Lana, but only one gets to suck off Bobby Lashley.

We open with Stone Cold hyping up the horrible intro for this show to generic radio pop, and Roman Reigns comes out with a giant CGI statue of himself that looks honestly fucking terrifying.

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Baron Corbin gets carried to the ring by a bunch of black guys...

Meh. Fuck it.

I spent the majority of Corbin/Reigns washing the dishes and had a far better time than I would have sitting through it.

I did get back in time to see Roman put Corbin in a porta potty and knock it over... but there was no doodie or peepee in it. I'm so disappointed. I wanted to see Baron Corbin covered in shit. It could only improve the smell of him.

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The women's Royal Rumble opens with Alexa Bliss taking on Willow Smith, but the third entrant is Mighty Molly! ...who returns to an ovation of nothing. I wonder how things turned out between her and that guy who posted YouTube videos with her action figures.

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Nikki Cross looks like she smells like Stevie Richard's taint.

During the match, Beth Phoenix wound up with her hair covered in blood from some sort of gash... and Santina Marella entered. Not sure which was more scarring to Beth, really.

I'm sad to admit that I actually predicted Santina's entrance as a joke earlier tonight. I didn't think they'd actually be retarded enough to do it.

In the end, Charlotte Flair won the Women's Royal Rumble because she really needed it.

Maybe that mole she had removed from her face can win the men's one.

The Fiend vs. Daniel Bryan was a fantastic match because Daniel Bryan spent the entire match getting whipped like a bitch and getting welts all over his body. At one point you could literally see sweat pouring out of Fiend's mask through the mouth hole... which is awesome.

The fucking main event was phenomenal. Seriously. The Brock Lesnar gauntlet of him fucking everyone up, only for Drew McIntyre to show up halfway through and eliminate him and then go on to win the whole thing was surprisingly good booking for WWE. I was half-hoping that Brock would just kill everyone though until the end because Brock is one of my favorite wrestlers ever.

A quick follow-up, the next night on Raw, Edge claimed that he was back full-time as a wrestler... so Orton pushed his shit in. Honestly? I'm hyped. WWE's current crop of young stars don't do shit for me so I enjoy when the veterans come back to steal the spotlight. Like, am I supposed to give a shit about Buddy Murphy? Because I don't.

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A dark humor webzine brutally mocking professional wrestling.