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WWE Raw (10/14/2019)

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Alright! Fresh off my getting banned from Twitter and not having any way of notifying the Normie Net about new articles on Smarkitude or Human Raccoon, it's Monday Night Raw!

Becky Lynch comes out to cut a CBT promo or whatever, but is interrupted by Charlotte because we haven't gotten enough of these two whores fighting.

Charlotte says that she just wants to be Becky's friend, which then results in her immediately swinging a punch into Seth Rollins' toilet, aka Becky's mouth.

This is the WWE Draft, and Becky Lynch rolls up Charlotte to make sure Raw gets the first draft pick.

Rollins shows up to talk about how he's scared pissless of The Fiend. I relate. I'm not scared of the Fiend. I'm scared of bears.

Stephanie McMahon shows up dressed like shit. I also just realized that I missed the first night of the draft. But whatever.

They literally said "great picks by the Fox execs." Like, we're just admitting that they're raping the Raw roster and tossing back scraps.

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Alberto Del Rio and some whore show up cutting a promo... and then fight Mustafa Ali, aka "if Seth Rollins were less white-passing."

I'm pretty disappointed. This show's been on for a while and we haven't gotten any cuckoldry yet.

Wait, the cucks from SNL are here. Nevermind.

Dolph Ziggler and Bobby Roode are here, aka Glorious Wastes of Talent.

I miss Team Canada.

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It really looks like Billy Gunn and Triple H if they never discovered steroids.

The Viking Experience won the tag belts, but I don't care about either of them. I'd rather let the Kabuki Warriors vomit hot noodles in my face than watch them wrestle.

The Street Prophets are here to be a carbon copy of Private Party, so they get beat up by AJ Styles and his band of friends. I wonder if that will lead up to a tag-team match in the future.

(No I don't.)

Ricochet is really talented and it doesn't matter.

It's pretty cool to see Shelton Benjamin, but he's somehow getting even more wasted in this run. It's like nobody told WWE that he's awesome.

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Lana's getting massaged by Bobby Lashley! Finally! Some cucking!

Braun Strowman and Tyson Fury are going to have a contract signing, because nothing is more fun than watching illiterate ogres attempting to spell their own names.

And then Tyson Fury tried to break a pen in half and couldn't do it. Cool.

I don't even know who the fuck Tyson Fury is.

So after all that bullshit that's happened in the divas division, Lacey Evans and Natalya have teamed up to fight the Bukkake Twins. I don't get it.

Asuka's hair makes me want Trix yogurt.

We end on a Firefly Funhouse, where Seth Rollins jumps Bray Wyatt and starts beating the shit out of him. Bray starts crying and asks "why are you doing this to me?" before getting fucked up more. Rollins lights the entire house on fire, but not before looking at the camera and saying "burn it down" like a fucking dork.

This show fucking sucks. There is nothing going on. At all. I gotta start watching old shit again. This is ridiculous.

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A dark humor webzine brutally mocking professional wrestling.