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WWE Raw (9/30/2019)

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WWE has promised that this edition of Raw will be "legendary." They said this about Raw 25 as well, and that was the Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 5 of wrestling events.

Speaking of, the new Raw set looks like a giant skateboard ramp. Except it's an LED screen. It's ugly as fuck.

Rey Mysterio was supposed to go against Seth Rollins for the Universal title, but Brock wound up coming out and beating the shit out of him. THEN he beat the shit out of his son Dominick, who was sitting in the front row.

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More importantly, Rey has this dope ass Halloween Havoc jacket that I totally want.

Between this, the ladder match to decide who fucked his mom, the CM Punk birthday song... god. Dominick has been humiliated on camera more times than a crossdressing maid.

But unlike this show, that kind of porn actually entertains somebody.

Heavy Machinery sucks ass. Bobby Roode still has the Shit Factor. Dolph Ziggler is the biggest waste of potential I've ever seen.

But fuck that noise, we've got Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan in the house on MizTV! They're gonna... uh... I dunno. Waste TV time. Try to relive their glory days through their percocet highs? Yeah. That sounds about right.

Oh, and Jimmy Hart is here too. Which sucks because my theory that he's secretly Mean Gene with a wig on is out the window.

Flair's titantron said that he's a 17 time world champion, but he's only a 16 time champion. I didn't notice this but some other nerds online did.

Apparently at Saudi Blood Moneyfest, we're getting a Survivor Series style match with Team Flair vs. Team Hogan. This is fucking weak.

Seth Rollins is Team Hogan's captain because he hates black people, and Randy Orton is Ric Flair's team captain because he also hates black people.

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Apparently Rusev is on Team Hogan now, too. Whatever.

Actually, I guess that makes sense. Rusev and Hogan both fucked a dude's wife.

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Heavy Machinery and the Viking Raiders are the same people. I'm almost certain of this.

We're getting some weird ass vignette where the Authors of Pain tell us that they grew up in the sad streets of Sadville, USA. What a bunch of pussies.

Plus the whole thing was in another language with subtitles. Am I watching anime? Fuck off.

It's now confirmed that we're getting Rollins vs. Rusev for the Universal Title. That'll put butts in the seats.

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They want me to give a shit about Cesaro vs. Ricochet, but it's like... they're the same dude. I don't give a fuck.

For some reason, despite pyro being back on the table, AJ Styles only gets the sound effect of pyro. Whatever, I guess. Fuck him.

He's going up against Cedric the Sports Entertainer and I couldn't give a fuck less.

Natalya will always be the girl who farted at inappropriate times to me. But fuck this smelly bitch, a limo has arrived!

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Is it John Morrison!? CM Punk!? Cody Rhodes!?

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We do know one thing... wherever Seth Rollins goes... so does the belt. Because he has it.

I got this wrestling shit figured out.

But then, during the main event, Bobby Lashley came out and started making out with Lana! I knew she liked big black cock! She's a blonde!

...and The Fiend attacked Rollins again.

BUT THAT'S NOT THE REAL STORY HERE.

WE HAVE INTERRACIAL SEXUAL INTERCOURSE HAPPENING ON LIVE TELEVISION!

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Tonight's Monday Night Raw is brought to you by Blacked.com!

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A dark humor webzine brutally mocking professional wrestling, in the old school Human Raccoon style.