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WWF Raw is War (9/22/1997)

Madison Square Garden. They show the arena from the outside, and I dunno... looks pretty fuckin' round to me.

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We're run through the history of MSG and why the arena is so iconic. I thought it was just they knew that there would be a woman named Lady Gaga who would soon bestow them with her presence.

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Jim Ross is narrating the video package and he's basically like "we're changing everything tonight you stupid whores." I'm hyped.

The crowd is going ape shit and Vince McMahon is screaming at the top of his lungs, but then the Nation of Domination's entrance music hits and the crowd just starts booing because they're racist. They don't understand the power of Rocky Maivia.

Commissioner Slaughter comes out and demands that the Nation of Domination leaves the ring so Rocky can compete by himself. More racism in action as far as I'm concerned.

This is Ahmed Johnson vs. Rocky Johnson... wait, Rocky Maivia... in the tournament for the uh... the thing.

Randomly during this match, Captain Lou Albano comes out and starts taking notes. I have no idea why.

Then Rocky throws Ahmed into the steel ring steps and his hand splits open and he starts bleeding. Gross. He's gonna get hand cancer.

I also just randomly noticed that Ahmed has a breathe-right nasal strip. As this uncomfortable truth sinks into my brain, he hits the Pearl River Plunge on Rocky Maivia and scores the win and advances in the tournament! Thank fuck!

As they're hyping tonight's matches, the glass shatters and Stone Cold starts shouting on the microphone from all the way up in the cheap seats! But he can't get any closer because Owen Hart has a restraining order against him.

They cut to this crazy ass lazer tag commercial starring Sable where there's a giant floating hologram of Freddie Blassie's head telling Sable not to be such a whore, but she won't listen! Her craving for loads is insatiable!

But then... IT'S THE UNDERTAKERRRRRRRRRR!!!!

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We've got an hour before he gets in the ring. I'm gonna go learn how to speak Japanese.

Vince McMahon is here to interview the deadman himself, which is like asking a corpse questions. But whatever.

Shawn Michaels comes out and cuts a promo on how he's the only man to hold every title in the WWF and that he shouldn't have to earn it anymore. But he says he's gonna fuck Undertaker like a Nitro Girl at Hell in a Cell.

I'm paraphrasing.

Sunny's here! And she's introducing the Legion of Doom! It's time for spiked shoulder pads and cocaine!

Their opponents are Kama Mustafa and Farooq, who are pissed off because white people.

This is a meaty match. These guys have physiques like those rubber wrestling action figures from the 80s.

The LoD were about to destroy Farooq with a Racist Bomb, but D'Lo ran in and saved them from the problematic maneuver.

Back to the tournament, we've got Owen Hart vs. Brian Pillman! Keep in mind that Stone Cold is required by law to stay away from Owen Hart due to the restraining order that he has.

This is day 16 of Marlena's slavery to Brian Pillman. She's apparently miserable because she has to present as a goth latex whore. I don't see the big deal. That's how I dress every day and I'm zen as fuck.

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Pillman claims that while he was bathtub fucking, he slipped and broke his arm. But Commissioner Slaughter is all like "nah dude" and outs him as a liar and says that these two Hart Foundation members will have to fight.

The match eventually picks up after Marlena dupes Owen into thinking Pillman hit him with a purse, and because Owen is apparently retarded he falls for it.

The match ends in a no contest when Goldust jumps the barricade and starts attacking Pillman for the whole "fucking his wife" thing. But as Owen is celebrating his half-assed victory, Stone Cold runs into the ring and starts destroying him.

Vince McMahon gets pissed and gets in the ring to try to calm down the situation, because security is trying to arrest Stone Cold.

Vince tries talking sense to Austin, which is like trying to sexually solicit a piece of drywall.

As Austin and Vince talk about how Austin just needs to "work within the system", Stone Cold screams "you can kiss my ass" and hits the Stunner on him.

Vince McMahon is fucking dead.

They play Austin's music as he gets handcuffed and taken to jail. Like it's a victory to go to jail. Stone Cold's gonna get his butt fucked by a bruiser named Duke. This is terrible.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley comes out with Chyna, ready to fight in a street fight against Dude Love. A pseudo-british shithead vs. a fake hippy. This should be a barn burner.

We get an interview with Rhonda Shear for no reason. Couldn't give a fuck less quite frankly.

Dude Love appears on the screen and says that falls count anywhere isn't "his bag." I would say that showering and basic acceptable fashion are also not his bag.

Dude Love starts interviewing... Mankind.

What the fuck kind of DMT hallucination is this?

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But as we go into Mick Foley's brain, we have resurrected Cactus Jack and he makes his WWF debut! Funny I don't remember him being this badass in WCW.

After the earlier HBK/Taker confrontation, for some bizarre reason Shawn comes out and calls out the Undertaker. Like... dude. You were already face to face.

But it was all a ruse! Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Rick Rude and Chyna come out and start beating the everloving fuck out of the Undertaker! That ain't right, yo!

But nevermind that shit! Here comes Bret Hart! He starts trying his darndest to cut a scathing promo on Undertaker and Shawn Michaels, saying that after Survivor Series he's going to throw a cup of piss in their eyes and fuck their wives.

We end this really good show with Bret Hart vs. Goldust for seemingly no reason... but it ends with another brawl! Shawn's crew starts beating down Bret Hart, so The Hart Foundation runs down to even the odds! There's not one babyface in this ring right now! Until The Undertaker shows up, that is! Motherfuck!

Chaos! Calamity! We're off the air! Go fuck yourself!

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A dark humor webzine brutally mocking professional wrestling.