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The Mailman

World Wrestling Entertainment :: Date: May 3rd, 2020

On the latest edition of Booty Weekly, or whatever the fuck the New Day's podcast is called, Big E was talking about how when he first joined FCW, he had an idea for a character where he would be a mailman named Mel Mann. He'd be wearing tight little shorts and... I don't know. Handing out future endeavors personally? It wasn't 1995 so I don't even know what the fuck.

The fuck kind of shit would they have had this character do? He hands somebody their electricity bill and says "they're gonna shut your power off if you don't pay this in three days." And then the guy is like, "but three ain't enough man, I need five!" And that sets up their big match.

How would this have changed the face of wrestling? Would we have ever gotten the New Day? Would AJ Lee have ever gotten punched in the chest? Wrestling may have been so different had this taken place.

But come to think of it... maybe this could have been awesome! Think about it. Big E vs. Roman Reigns at WrestleMania. The Big Dog vs. The Mail Man. We hang four mailboxes on each of the turnbuckle posts, and three have different weapons in it. But only one of them has the key to unlock the UPS box hanging above the ring with the World Title inside... which is, of course, wrapped in bubble wrap for safe keeping.

Hire me, WWE.

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A dark humor webzine brutally mocking professional wrestling.