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WWE Hell in a Cell 2019

This is Hell in a Cell! The most dangerous night of the year, except for that other one and that other one. In the opening match, Natalya beat Lacey Evans with a fart or whatever. I wasn't really paying attention.

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Sasha Banks is in the house! And she has blue hair because she's on SmackDown!

...wait, she's not on SmackDown? Well what the fuck?

Oh. She's calling herself the Blueprint now... funny, she doesn't look like Matt Morgan.

Although neither of them want to be in WWE.

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Oh Christ. I forgot the cell is red now. How many TNA references am I gonna get hit with?

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This event doesn't have an official theme song, so I nominate Seeing Red by Chevelle.

Becky Lynch is grating Sasha's face into the cage and she's screaming in agony. But I don't understand. I personally would love it if Becky Lynch beat the shit out of me.

But not Sasha. In fact, she was crying by the end of it!

What a bite!

Then we get Harper and Rowan vs. Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan. You know, back in 2011 when Smarkitude was a Facebook page instead of a HIT WRESTLING WEBZINE I used to call the women's matches piss breaks and most of the men's matches shit breaks. But the women's match was awesome, I want Becky Lynch to spit on me.

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How many times are we gonna get Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins?

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I didn't care about Asuka and Not Asuka's women's tag team match until the fabled GREEN MIST got sprayed. God I love mist. Not the game. The game sucks.

Charlotte has become a 10 time WWE Women's Champion, which is weird because I feel like she's only been here like three weeks.

But I'm happy for him.

Seth Rollins vs. The Fiend is the match everyone cares about. Myself included. But they've got this red light on the whole time. It's like the Virtual Boy wrestling game we never knew we wanted.

Here's the entire match: Rollins spams Curb Stomps like a fucking racist, Fiend keeps kicking out, Rollins grabs a sledgehammer and smashes him in the skull and the referee disqualifies him. The crowd chants "AEW." That's how we end Hell in a fucking Cell. Holy shit. You've gotta be shitting me.

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The crowd is booing harder than when TNA took away the six sided ring and we go off the air. I'm flabberghasted. WWE has somehow amazed me with their idiocy once again. How do you fuck this one up? The formula was HANDED to you. ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS HAVE BRAY KILL SETH. THAT'S IT. THE CROWD WOULD HAVE FUCKING LOVED IT.

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A dark humor webzine brutally mocking professional wrestling.