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WCW Monday Nitro (September 4th, 1995)

Written on: November 20th, 2019

I dream of a perfect society in which fully passing bimbo transsexuals cum strawberry applesauce into the mouths of all citizens like mothers breastfeeding their newborn children. Unfortunately, technology has not advanced in such ways yet. So I'm going to revisit the Monday Night Wars right here on Smarkitude.

We kick this shit into high gear with the first ever WCW Monday Nitro ever! We are (TNT) Live! from the Mall of America, which is famous for that episode of Viva La Bam and Mary-Kate and Ashley's Mall Party! Fuck yeah!

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Our event is hosted by Eric Bischoff and Steve "Mongo" McMichael! He's borderline retared! Woo!

And Bobby Heenan is here too! He's dead!

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Our first match is Jushin "Thunder" Liger taking on "Flyin'" Brian Pillman! He's dead too!

At one point in this match, Pillman throws Liger toward the turnbuckle and then stands there like a low-functioning aspie waiting for him to backflip into him... and it still botches and barely connects. Put these men in the Hall of Fame.

Mongo called Bobby Heenan "hernia." Fuckin' buried.

Throughout this entire match, the Bischoff keeps screaming about how you can expect this "every week." Do you mean Mongo calling Heenan "Bobby the Stain"? Or are you just referring to your constant looping plugs for the show I'm already watching?

Pillman rolls up Jushin Liger like a bitch and gets the win. That's a pussy way to win.

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Sting says that he's going to rip off Ric Flair's balls and eat them in front of his children. Tonight's showdown is gonna be sicker than the shit Bill Clinton's getting ready to do with that fat chick.

But enough of this wrestling shit. Hulk Hogan is in the spaghetti business!

Get hungry for PastaMania you fucking marks!

Big Bubba's gonna get a shot at Hulk Hogan's WCW World Heavyweight Championship, but Hogan assures us that he will lose because Hogan's been eating "Hulkaroos."

But I can't make fun of it too much. I'm definitely a Pastamaniac. (His words, not mine.)

Ric Flair is here, so his balls can't be too far behind. He's really old so they're like hot silly putty spilling out of the egg onto the sidewalk... AND HERE COMES STING!

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Holy hot fucking shit. Sting looks like a walking Benedryl billboard.

...but wait! Lex Luger is here! And he's dressed like Jerry Seinfeld!

...and he's already gone! Fuck it! Let's WRESTLE.

If you've ever seen a Ric Flair match, you have seen this match. The one thing that is interesting is that I'm sitting through it. I could be doing hard drugs with psychologically abusive camgirls. But instead I'm watching Flair/Sting. My priorities are wack.

We go to a commercial, then we come back and it's still going. Flair's getting tossed around like Eric Bischoff's wife at DDP's house. But look up the ramp! Arn Anderson is here!

And so is Scott FUCKING Norton! (No relation to Randy or Jim). He's pissed! He signed a contract! How do I know that? Because he's screaming "I SIGNED A CONTRACT" in Eric Bischoff's mouth endlessly.

He gets in Mongo's face, but Mongo is saved by Macho Man! Oooooh shiiiet!

Macho Man tries to challenge him to one of those wrestling match thingies, but Eric Bischoff says "NYEOH. GITTIMOUTTAHERE." So instead we're going to watch a Sabu video package. Because fuck it.

Sabu rules.

Oh yeah. Congrats to Mike Hill from Gullman, Alabama who won a motorcycle. I hope you crash into a bucket of explosives.

We meet Mr. Wallstreet, who's like IRS except slightly less shitty (but still pretty shitty). He even does that forced "I'm a wrestler cutting a heel promo" laugh that girls doing JOI videos online do.

As our main event kicks off, I realize that Big Bubba Rogers' entrance music sounds almost identical to Taz from ECW's.

We are CONFIRMED to be getting Norton vs. Savage on the next Nitro! Fuck yeah!

But enough about those assholes, Hogan wins! And immediately the Dungeon of Doom runs out and starts attacking him! But Hogan fights them off like he's a Power Ranger! And Lex Luger comes out to save Hogan! And there's a standoff! And Sting and Hogan get in the ring! Dub See Dub! Dub See Dub! Dub See Dub!

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A fucking epic commercial with a gritty announcer comes on, showing the stars of WCW as the guy goes "THE BATTLE AGAINST MUSCULAR DISTROPHY RAGES ON!"

I'd buy that pay-per-view. Holy shit.

...wait. They actually are hyping a PPV with that. Apparently somehow buying Fall Brawl is going to help. I don't know. Whatever.

Also, there's no Raw this week. WCW went on their first broadcast with no opposition. That's hilariously tragic.

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A dark humor webzine brutally mocking professional wrestling.