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Slammiversary XVI

Total Nonstop Action :: Date: July 22, 2018

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I haven't been watching wrestling lately. It just doesn't appeal to me anymore. This says a lot considering some of the shit I've sat through. I've been an avid TNA supporter since I discovered them in 2005. I heard from several sources that Slammiversary '18 was good...

...(and some of them didn't work for TNA!)

The show opened up with the TNA voice guy that I remember from all the way back in the days I used to watch. I love his voice. It's so good.

Checking out this opening video package and I do know who some of these guys are based on their past endeavors.

The sound was totally fucked. The broadcast volume was way louder than the opening video. Dr. Girlfriend also pointed out that it's sad that TNA has been around for 16 years and they're at this shitty, low success level. I agree.

The ring ropes for this show are very yellow. Like mustard. I miss the six sided ring. I know the wrestlers prefer working a 4 sided ring, but if you're gonna kick the shit out of yourself for a living you can't really preach your "ow my back" politics at me.

The fans started chanting "this is Impact!" Very true. The other day I went to Kroger and bought some lemonade and started a "this is Kroger" chant. It was just as factual.

Apparently Homicide and Hernandez came back to TNA and declared themselves the "OGz", since they were the original LAX and not the gritty 2018 reboot that's been parading around. I support that. I was a huge LAX fan back in the day. Eddie Kingston is there too. I don't really know much about him, but I do know that his eyebrows are very shaped.

Madison Rayne's still here (or here again, I have no idea). Tessa Blanchard says "I was in this business before I was born." That doesn't make any sense. Did you work a wrestling match in the womb? Stacy Keibler's baby can say that but unfortunately that baby died during a mud wrestling match in WCW.

After the match, generic female interview #876 interviews Moose, who has the mic skills of a dilluted queef. Then we get a video package explaining the hatred between Sami Callahan and Eddie Edwards, with Tommy Dreamer trying to talk sense into him not to let his hatred drive him insane like Tommy's hatred of Raven drove him insane in ECW. Eventually, Eddie goes insane and attacks Tommy Dreamer and accuses him of fucking his wife.

Dude. Tommy Dreamer is married to Beulah McGillicutty. I doubt he even masturbates at this point.

This package was great. I actually give a shit about this feud. Dreamer's wearing a shirt that says "Make Wrestling Grate Again." And you know what? That's an alright shirt.

I remember seeing, years ago, someone refer to Eddie Edwards as Eddie "Eddie Edwards" Edwards. But now he's wrestling in jeans and a shirt and he's craaaazy! Beats having no gimmick at all.

Eddie took a staple gun to the forehead, then got hit with a ringside fan's ECW Championship replica.

The match was alright. Eddie Edwards wound up winning and then broke down crying afterwards. He begged for Tommy's forgiveness, his wife came out and Dreamer passed him a singapore cane. A passing of the torch moment. Eddie Edwards is the new Tommy Dreamer.

No he isn't.

What the fuck happened to Matt Sydal? Too much synthetic marijuana? During his promo he said "This X-Division belt chooses who wears it." No it doesn't.

The last time I really paid attention to the X-Division they had some weird Money in the Bank knockoff gimmick where you could cash in the X-Division belt for a shot at the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. That was fucking stupid and I don't think they're doing it anymore from what I can see.

Matt Sydal is defending the X-Division Championship against a guy named Brian Cage. He's a fucking walking steroid. He better do some flippy shit. I'm not going to live in a world where somebody who doesn't do flippy shit is fighting for the X-Division Championship. I mean, they let Abyss have the belt once but that was because of Bischoff I think.

Brian Cage wound up winning with a shitty Steiner Screwdriver. Even Samoa Joe did more flippy shit than this guy. Isn't that the point of the X-Division? A bunch of guys who do flippy shit? Is it just a midcard belt now? Weak.

Up next is Madison Rayne vs. Su Yung. Su's got a cool look and apparently put Rosemary out of action with a move off the stage through a table. The ol' Mae Young/Dudley Boyz treatment (except Mae Young took a way bigger drop.)

After Madison Rayne comes out, a bunch of drunk chicks in Vampiro makeup carry out a casket. They kinda stagger around and I thought they were gonna drop it. Su Yung emerges from the casket (btw she's the "Undead Bride.") The zombie women (apparently the "undead bridesmaids.") stand on the ramp, staring into the ring. Eventually they kind of wander toward the ring and Madison Rayne knocks them off.

The last time I saw Madison Rayne during Beautiful People-era TNA, she was cutting some abnoxiously awful shrieking promos that I would literally mute my fucking TV to shut her up. But in the video they played earlier her voice was more normal so it seems that's a thing of the past. Good.

Apparently Su Yung has this nasty AIDS-infested glove that's covered in blood that she gives people Mandible Claws with. This is some Castlevania 64 shit. She shoves her fingers down Madison's throat and wins via submission.

Then Su Yung puts the blood soaked glove in her mouth, sucks on the blood so it drips out and then pulls it off her hand. This is some Motherless.com shit.

Btw, apparently this is her without all the zombie shit:

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I'd suck her blood soaked glove any day.

For the match of the OGz vs. LAX, it's gonna be hard for me because I think of Homicide and Hernandez as LAX. But they're technically fighting LAX. This is some nWo Hollywood vs. nWo Wolfpac shit. I'm half expecting this match to end via fingerpoke.

It didn't.

The New L.A.X. beat the Original L.A.X. in a great match, but the OGz kicked the fuck out of them and graffiti'd the belts with spraypaint. So I guess I was right.

Hearing Sami Callahan cut a promo on "social media" made me want to barf. I hate hearing "social media", "@____", "hashtag", etc. I also just noticed he has a hashtag on his ring gear. What a badass. I hope he gets a yeast infection.

Sami grabbed a pair of steel spikes from under the ring and started after Pentagon Jr. with them. Cyrus goes "He's gonna try to kill Pentagon Jr.!"

Sami wound up blowing a gross snotty lunger out of his mouth and nose. It felt like he announced The Rock as his tag-team partner.

In a moment of creative torture, he cut Pentagon's face and mask with the nails and then tied the ripped portion of mask to the ring rope. Pentagon had to stay attached to the ring rope or remove his mask and expose his identity, something he clearly doesn't want to do in this Mask vs. Hair match.

After getting blinded, Pentagon Jr. accidentally broke the arm of the referee. Then the crowd started chanting "You fucked up!" I also think I heard that the referee's name is John E. Bravo. That rules.

In the end, Pentagon won and Sami had to get his head shaved. Really, they did him a favor. His hair is fucking disgusting.

The main event was Austin Aries vs. Moose. I've never seen a moose wrestle so this should be interesting. The ring announcer looks like a douche.

My final thoughts on TNA in 2018? I don't hate it.

My only wonder is if TNA's weekly show is actually this good. ROH and NJPW had a crossover event like a year ago that I really liked too but then I watched both ROH and NJPW's regular shows and they were terrible. I'm willing to get back into TNA. I supported them with a passion from 2006 to like 2011. (And that was a rough 2011.) The only criticism I can say is that they need a roster upgrade. Some of these guys I really didn't care about. But the booking is solid, the storylines seem decent and if they keep up this level of quality I'll gladly start watching.

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A dark humor webzine brutally mocking professional wrestling.