Last night was WrestleMania Night Uno.
I don't watch WWE. I don't like fake stuff. That's why I watch AEW, because none of those matches are predetermined.
Speaking of big time matches, everyone's been begging for my hot takes on this whole Russia/Ukraine thing. You've flooded me with emails, tweets, newspaper articles and even taking to TV to beg me to talk about this whole situation. Don't look into it. It totally happened. I'm a really big deal.
Look. Countries are gonna war. That's just like, how it works. Shoot some people who look different than you, take their gasoline and burn down an elementary school.
It's worth it if it means that you made Lil' Vladdy Poot Poot happy.
Now, I don't know, folks. I don't go for all this war business. I think nations should stick to gaslighting and emotional manipulation.
What was the point of this?
Oh yeah, Cody Rhodes.
Many are acting like this is a positive. Which like, I love seeing wrestlers from one place appear in another, I think it's novel as shit. But with all the horror stories I've heard everyone tell about WWE, Cody included, it makes me wonder why in the red white and blue fuck anyone would ever want to go back there if not just for the money.
But then after the whole shebang went down and he beat Seth "Becky Fuckin'" Rollins, he did a post-event interview on the website.
Basically he was like "muh dad won the dad belt and i wanted to win the dad belt and put it on my dad's dad shoulder and dad the dusteh rhodes baybeh dad dusty finish dad." Then he was like "oh maybe I should do stuff for me instead of living to validate the memory of a silly, dead idiot."
You gotta do what you wanna do (in living color.) But I think the worst part of what Cody Rhodes did last night was the hypocrisy. He was on podiums screeching about the "revolution", taking pot shots at the company, etc. But then he came back to WWE and even kissed the fucking ring mat.
That thing's riddled with staphylococcus, you disgusting freak. You should only lick people's various body parts and toilet seats. That's it. Don't be gross.
Anyway. As the code erodes, Cody Rhodes' coded promo he spoke seems like a joke now. It's like he couldn't take that people were booing him, when they were ready to accept him but wanted to put him through ECW-style hell to get there. You gotta pay your dues, kid. Until you can prove you have the right to be "The American Nightmare" Cody Rhodes, you're just "Dashing" Cody Runnels. Now carry my bags and get me a coffee, youngboy. Mama's got a big WWE Day of Reckoning tournament at Target to go to.