Alright. Everybody on the ground. The beautiful people want it all, and I will rise up. But this is the first SmackDown review for Smarkitude, so let it roll. Do you know your enemy?
That was stupid.
We are live from Tampa Bay, FL. And Sasha Banks is here! With blue hair! Because it's SmackDown!
Sasha is pissed because Bianca "Fresh Prints" Belair got more popular than she did... in fantasy land. Banks has mainstream appeal... which makes her my sworn enemy.
Oh well, at least her cousin or brother or uncle or whatever Snoop Dogg apperead in AEW. That's pretty funny.
Oh, Bianca has the blue belt. And she's wearing blue too.
Sasha Banks embodies the OG SmackDown spirit because she's like everybody: on the ground.
(Get it? Because of that tantrum she threw in the back that one time? What a reference! I'm so good at typing.)
Well after all that, we're getting Belair vs. Zelina Vega for the Women's Championship. And also in OG SmackDown spirit, we got Rey Mysterio hanging out with Dominik. This poor guy just can't get away from Eddie Guerrero's DNA.
Dominik Mysterio vs. Jey Uso
I wouldn't know this was Jey Uso if they hadn't told me during his entrance.
I remember when they first popped into the roster and they made a joke like "you probably don't even know which one of us is which." All this time later, it's still true.
My brain only has the capacity to memorize which Olsen Twin is which. These guys don't have hit summer blockbusters and straight-to-VHS video series.
Jey Uso wins because Dominik sucks and should be ashamed of himself.
Edge cuts a promo where he says he's gonna wrestle and win. Very deep, hot takes.
Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Apollo Crews
And this giant buff guy with a pink hair band starts playing electric guitar and brings Shinsuke Nakamura to the ring. I don't... I don't get it.
Zimbabwe Bob has a giant man with him as well. Like... just because Shawn Michaels had Diesel doesn't mean every guy in the company needs a roided out bodyguard. They're doing it with AJ Styles, Bray Wyatt had Alexa Bliss. Crazy shit.
Mid-match we get a promo where John Cena shows up and steals a championship opportunity from a young up-and-coming talent. Maybe WWE hasn't changed that much after all.
And Paul Heyman is here! It's SmackDown, bitch. Where's Michelle McCool?
I will go bananas. I s2g.
And Big E has the Money in the Bank briefcase and is giggling like a mad cunt.
Tegan Nox vs. Tamina Snuka
Can you dig it... Snuuuuuuuuuka!?
I can't wait to watch her botch the Superfly splash.
And lose to Teeg and the Tank Girl. That's good too.
The only things overweight people should win are free tickets to an early grave.
Oh shit! It's Edge! And he's screaming "COME ON! COME ON!" like Captain Falcon. Bearded hippy. I don't trust his vibe. But we're getting another promo even though we just got one.
Seth Rollins pops up on screen wearing a suit jacket covered in pink butterflies... because whatever, I guess. Men's fashion is a mess. I realize it's probably ironic to generate heat but that jacket does exist. I'm looking at it. And that's a fucking messed up fuck of shit.
Edge called Seth Rollins "Edge Lite", which is the most important thing Rollins has ever done. Get called that.
Finn Balor is here to prove that women and gay men don't care what your face looks like as long as you have good abs.
Street Profits vs. The Dirty Dogs
Dolph Ziggler and Bobby Roode are a tag-team like it's SVR 2010 and I just downloaded a TNA game save. You wanna talk about Edge Lite? Bobby Roode is Triple H lite.
I mean, for fuck sake. When Triple H got a haircut, so did Bobby Roode. He might as well just start dressing like a viking and spitting water at people. At least then he'd be associated with something succesful.
I don't know who Megan the Stallion or whatever her retarded millennial stage name is but apparently it's a big deal that Baby Face Belair took a picture of her butt pressed against the other's.
SmackDown Women's Championship: Bianca Belair vs. Zelina Vega
I just realized the guy on commentary isn't Matt Striker. But at least Sasha Banks is here to laugh like a testicle torture enthusiast.
Belair wins, because of course she does. And since Zelina Vega blocked me on Twitter even though I've never spoken to her in my life, I'm glad. YOU GET WHAT YOU FUCKING DESERVE.
Finn Balor vs. Baron Corbin
Finn Balor looks like a frog wearing a fake beard, and now they're saying Baron Corbin is so poor he can't afford entrance music. Do they think we're retarded?
Oh, right. They legitimately do. I'm basically watching a show for people who are so far deep into the autism spectrum they would scream in overstimulating agony if Baron Corbin had entrance music.
Balor kills Corbin, because of course he does, but Roman Reigns is here with a cringeworthy CGI statue. This is so Disney, am I right folks?
A guy in the crowd has a sign that says "I'm the head of the table. Acknowledge me." But I don't want to.
Roman Reigns watches as The Usos beat the shit out of Finn Balor like a child setting up CPU vs. CPU matches in WCW Revenge.
And eventually Roman ends up joining in, like when you're playing a special guest referee match and get bored of not beating the shit out of people. Which is how I feel when I'm at the grocery store.
But yeah. That's SmackDown for this week. Don't forget to like this video, comment and subscribe. Thanks for watching. This has been Eve from SlutCulture.
Get it? Because Adam... why do I know these talentless jizzbags names. Christ.