NWA Empowerrr

Posted: August 29th, 2021

Women? Wrestling?

I can't wrap my fragile mind around it.

Anyway. This is an all-women's PPV event: NWA Empowerrr. Let's rock 'n' roll. Express style.

...god that was fuckin' stupid. Whatever. Just start the show so I can type shit about it.


Oh shit. It's Mickie James, and I'm thinking Arby's.

Don't forget that TNA did the all-women's wrestling event first. Plus, there was Shimmer, the all-women's wrestling federation. Oh, and WWE did an all women's PPV when they realized that philanthropy is the future of marketing. It's the way brands are going to win.

The arena has a giant light up sign that says "BUSCHHHHHH." Which is hilarious.

An all-women's PPV that says "bush" on the stage. You can't make this shit up, folks.

"Smiley" Kylie Rae vs. Chik Tormenta vs. Diamante

Kylie Rae, aka Bootleg Bailey, has arrived and is running around like an autistic toddler. I think it's semi-hilarious that she had to take a hiatus from wrestling for her mental health, since she portrays this persona of extreme positivity and it's all a lie. If you're not really that bubbly, don't pretend to be. It's transparent and phony.

Chik Tormenta and Diamante are here too. This is gonna be an all-women's three way, which you usually only get to see on Xhamster.

I'm genuinely tired of hearing the word "women" and the first match hasn't even started yet.

Velvet Sky is on commentary and genuinely crying for women's rights, as if her entire gimmick hasn't been being a human cum sock since the beginning of her career. She's hot as fuck but to pretend she has done anything for progressing the public perception of women in wrestling is laughable. I'm laughing right now.

Diamante wins. This event is sponsored by Busch. Again, that is hilarious.

The Hex vs. Heel on Heel

Legitimately have no idea who any of these people are, but now is their chance to turn me into a fan. Win me over. Do it. Pander to me. Treat me like the only viewer you have.

Holy shit, the lady ref for this match has a powerful haircut.

Oh wait, one of them is Allysin Kay. I've heard the name. Is she that bipolar chick who was accusing Darby Allin of being a rapist with no proof? Or was that a different bipolar chick? I get my bipolar chicks mixed up all the time.

I lost a friend over pointing out that the Darby Allin accusations were totally unfounded and just some insane lady trying to burn her ex-boyfriend for daring to have success when she didn't. Good riddance, dickhead. I don't play that cancel culture shit unless someone actually did something to warrant it. Go suck a fuck.

(Seriously. AEW is the most social justice wrestling promotion I've ever seen.

I'm pretty sure if Darby were a rapist, he'd be gone by now. Get over it. Go cancel someone who actually did something wrong.)

Also, I'm totally wrong and this girl is someone else entirely. But I wanted to get my passive aggressive comments worked in.

The hex team won.

I was looking at pictures of Luchasaurus without his mask on and missed the whole match.

The Freebabes vs. Red Velvet and Kilynn King

I dunno who any of these chicks are either but Freebabes got killer gear. I always wanted a fur coat, but I'm afraid it'll be one of those fake ones and that scares me. I need to know something died to make me look good, otherwise looking good is pointless.

I don't like Kilynn King because she looks like my mom. I root for her to lose every match because of this.

That one chick from NXT, Kay Lee Ray, also looks like my mom. Even moreso, actually. It's like every fed has to have a clone of my mom on it to piss me off.

I bet Red Velvet does all that finger-lickin' stuff when she's doing a sex. Fucking whore.

I was getting mad at Twitter and didn't catch who won. Allysin Kay is cutting a promo and she legit looks like every girl who has ever accused me of trying to steal their boyfriend. I hope she fractures her wrist.

Gail Kim is here. Which is cool, because I used to watch TNA back in the day and her feud with Awesome Kong was legit really good. I was hooked on it. I wanted Gail Kim to win because I dislike overweight people.

Gail Kim is cutting the "women can wrestle too!!!" promo that Mickie James cut in the beginning of the show, only worse. She can't talk for shit. I want her to sneeze and accidentally smash her teeth into the microphone.

Taryn Terrell, Jennacide and Paoalaolaaoalaoalaloalaoal Blaze are here to interrupt the god awful promo. Doing God's work, honestly.

This promo is somehow even worse. She's just whining into the microphone and going "ByeEEEEEEE!!!" I get that it's supposed to piss me off, and it's working, but it's pissing me off in the way of wanting to watch something else. Like a video of a baby getting launched through a windshield into oncoming traffic to his greusome death.

Oh shit, Awesome Kong is here! Man, I wish I had thought of a good segue.

(Totally had one. Not gonna say it.)

Now we've got Gail Kim and Awesome Kong crying and hugging and rubbing their tampons on the ring mat. Can you two fuck off and go fuck somewhere else?

I wish New Jack were still alive so he could come out and destroy both of them.

Dr. Girlfriend just pitched the idea of New Jackie, which is Jackie Moore doing New Jack's gimmick.

IMPACT Women's Championship
Deonna Purrazzo vs. Melina

Some guy is in the front row wearing a Stone Cold t-shirt. That's hilarious. Wearing the shirt of a guy who beat his pro wrestler wife at the front row of the all women's PPV is some meta humor shit I hadn't even considered.

I just realized the ring announcer is a dude too. Was Lillian Garcia busy? Then we really could focus on that Bush sponsorship.

Melina's big contribution to feminism was getting railed by Batista while in a relationship with John Morrison. The 21st century Sunny.

Holy shit. Melina's fake lashes are coming off.

That's so gross. Women's wrestling shouldn't exist because of this.

And then Melina hits an Overdrive. Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck off. That's the worst move in wrestling. Burn this building down with these two inside it.

The one who isn't Melina, whose name is so Italian I can't be bothered to remember how to spell it, wins.

The next match is part of a women's tag tournament and has two of the same teams that were already on the show. I already riffed on them. You think it's easy coming up with these joke? It is. Incredibly. But I need a bowl of cereal. So I'm going to do that.

...oh, and Madusa is here. Because it wouldn't be a women's wrestling event without the woman who doesn't know how to talk about anything other than being a woman.

Fuck this. Fruity Pebbles time.


NWA Women's Championship
"Legit" Leyla Hirsch vs. Kamille

Velvet Sky said that she can't stop crying throughout the show. That is literally pathetic. Women should be way further than this. This should have been happening in the 80s. We shouldn't be in the 2020s still "breaking through the glass ceiling." It's fucking embarassing that society is this far back that we're only just now starting to get to the wank-era of women's rights.

Oh cool, Billy Corgan is here and brought out the OG NWA Women's Championship. It's fucking tiny. They hold it up to the midget from Russia and it still looks small. Like, what the fuck?

I don't know anything about Kamille but I want her to murder me with her bare hands.

Nick Aldis, Chris Masters and some other guy whose name I don't know are here too. I'm pretty sure I just felt a nerve ending in my mouth die, so that's fun. I hope the Russian midget doesn't win because I think the other lady is really hot and I'm shallow as fuck and that's all I care about.

I passed out and missed the ending of the last match.

Kiera Hogan is here. Maybe she's Hulk Hogan's illegitimate daughter.

The joke writes itself.