We are live with the first ever AEW Rampage! The set is identical to Dynamite. So that sucks.
I miss when every show had a different stage. Nitro, Thunder, Raw, SmackDown, Jerry Springer, Maury. Good shit.
It's time to make an IMPACT.
Haha. Get it? It's the line every dude says when he's doing something relating to TNA.
Christian Cage vs. Kenny Omega (IMPACT Championship)
Christian Cage is going for the IMPACT World Heavyweight Championship. A belt he has never won in his life. He's had the TNA World Heavyweight Championship, but that's a different belt. With the same lineage. I don't know. I don't get it. IMPACT's history is a fucking mess. They can't decide if they used to be TNA or if they're an indy that acquired their tape library. I'm confused. I'm scared. I want to go home, but nobody's home.
They're both Canadians. I have a vendetta against Canada, since every time I'd talk to someone online and they're like "where are you from?" and I'd be like "Vancouver" and they're like "oh, Canada?" and I'm like "no, Washington." and they're like "oh DC?" and I'm like "no, state."
Mark Henry teased in an interview that there would be more humor on the broadcasts on his behalf. He hasn't made me laugh yet. Lying prick. Somebody's gonna get they wig split if I don't start giggling.
Well, Mark's voice cracked on commentary and I said "holy shit, don't pube out on us." So there's that.
Christian nails a
n Unprettier Killswitch on a chair and wins the IMPACT World Championship, which means he's headed back to the big leagues to make an IMPACT! Haha! Yeah! I said it twice. That's how much I fucking suck.
After the match, Luchasaurus keeps pouring champagne on Christian's head while he's trying to talk.
That's fucking horrible. Imagine how sticky he is. Gross.
Fuego del Sol vs. Miro (TNT Championship)
Booyaka, booyaka. Guy in a mask.
If Faygo Dell Computer wins this match, he not only gets the TNT Championship--- he also gets a contract with AEW. Certainly a big moment for this young man with a very big mouth.
I don't mean he talks a lot, I mean his mouth is legitimately massive.
How many hotdogs can you fit in that thing, kid?
Chris Jericho asked the question I was about to ask. What kind of luchador comes from Mobile, Alabama?
It sucks. I hate it.
This motherfucker has hit three spinning DDTs on Miro in the opening segment. Spinning DDT City, they'll call him.
But nevermind that shit, here comes televised murder.
He tapped out. He tapped away his own career. Can you imagine voluntarily giving up your dream just because it's too hard?
Oh, right. That's why most of you never try to achieve your dreams.
After the match, Sammy Guevara comes out and is like "I'm in gay love with you. Sign this contract and kiss me on the lips."
So he did.
It was beautiful.
Red Velvet vs. Dr. Britt Baker, D.M.D
The crowd is booing Red Velvet, which is racist. But to be fair: she sucks.
The crowd is going ape shit for Dr. Britt Baker, D.M.D. They love Dr. Britt Baker, D.M.D. here in Brittsburg. Haha. Get it? It's like Pit--- oh fuck it. This bit is the pits.
I wish I was eating red velvet. Like the cake. Not the pers--.... well... meh. Nevermind.
I think it's funny that Dr. Britt Baker, D.M.D. is doing sex with Adam Cole, considering he's half the size she is.
But anyway. Baker wins because of course she does. Fuck Red Velvet. And fuck Britt Baker too, since my wisdom teeth are all fucked up and she hasn't volunteered to fix them for free. After all this publicity I've given AEW? Selfish whore.
And Velvet gets her ass kicked even after the match. And Jamie Hayter is back. I like her because I too am a hater.