The Fourth Trial of Jericho

Posted: August 12th, 2021

I didn't get over to my notepad during the first match, but it involved Kenny Omega and the Young Bucks and uh... the kid that looks like he was grown in a test tube and two other dudes who I already forgot.

I was tokin' up the reefer in honor of CM Punk coming in, since he's straight edge and I don't value that.

Don Callis has always been a license to print money since his days as the Jackyl in WWF or Cyrus in ECW. He is the picture perfect carny asshole. And then Christian calls him a "carny piece of shit" right after I type that. I'm Christian now. (I just converted. Like a jpg or somethin'.)

I'm counting three uses of the word "shit" and we've only had one match so far. They're going hard like TNA when they found out they were allowed to say "Asshole" on SpikeTV.

Darby Allin is here with his dad and is gonna wrestle a guy who cuts a promo in his trunks and his friends who accompany him to ringside in their gear even though they're not wrestling. These are some weird fetishist guys or somethin'. I don't get it.

I already forgot his name so I'm just calling him Red Death because that's what his ass says.

Having an ass-related red death would suck.

It's come to my attention since I said I didn't know who these guys were that they were Ever-Rise in WWE. That's cool. I still don't know who that is.

And then Sting beat the shit out of them. So that rules.

Orange Cassidy put Matt Hardy's hands in the front of his pants, turning them into hants. It's vaguely homoerotic and hilarious, everything professional wrestling is supposed to be. We're back in business, boys and girls.

The lights in the arena are green. Just like money! AEW is hearting the Hardy/Party party. Biased fucks.

Matt Hardy's still rocking his "THE TRUTH IS THE TRUTH" shirt... but I disagree. Sometimes the truth isn't the truth. Sometimes the truth is a lie. Think about that, maaaaaan.

Eat shit, Wheeler Yuta. You're brown bread, motherfucker.

Thank God I don't have to hear Chavo Guerrero speak anymore. Living proof that just because someone you're related to was good at something doesn't mean you become good at it by proxy. Kinda like how Nyla Rose had a penis, wasn't good at it and then stopped. Sometimes you gotta know your limits.

That won't be a frequent joke. It's too easy. And I don't make jokes about open doors or anything that can be described as "ajar."

Get it? I'm implying her dick is in a jar---- oh fuck it.

Britt Baker is wearing humanRaCcoOn colors to show her pride for our growing community. Glorious. Beautiful.

There was an Impact tag-team title match but I was, again, engaging in nefarious acts that are legal here so get off my back, you feds.

As someone who supported TNA even through the Bischoff/Hogan regime, it's really depressing to see that they've basically become ROH with TNA's tape collection.

Oh but next Friday we get Christian Cage vs. Kenny Omega for the Impact Championship. On AEW Rampage. That's... weird. Okay.

Oh and Big Show is gonna eat QT Marshall's head. Mean little bowling ball man is gonna job, biznitch. Suck it, apple boy.

We're getting the fourth Trial of Jericho match, where Jericho is fighting Wardlow but... uh... wasn't MJF supposed to be the referee? Like... I'm not misunderstanding, am I?

I would have swore on a stack of Mary-Kate and Ashley movie novelizations that that was the stipulation for this match. So what the fuck. You lied to me, Tony Khan. Tony... Con... artist...

The fans love singing Judas. It's like how all the voices in my head go "booogie wooogie wooogie woogieee wooooooo" while I'm playing as myself in No Mercy.

But this match kinda sucked... as it should. Jericho has become Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler, even down to getting mutilated in deathmatches and having the body of warm sillyputty. Jericho wins with the Judas effect, MJF says "next week you won't have your entrance music and you can't do your spinning back elbow move." Jericho fell to his knees and screamed, "but the fans singing... it gives me my power!!!" as the screen faded to black and the end credits music plays.