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ECW One Night Stand

Extreme Championship Wrestling :: Date: April 27th, 2020 :: Broadcast On: June 12th, 2005

Extreme Championship Wrestling. Perhaps the greatest pro wrestling organization ever, because it was full of drug addicts and convicted criminals. That's what wrestling is all about. Hell yeah, motherfucker.

By now, every wrestling fan knows about ECW One Night Stand. It's considered one of the greatest wrestling shows of all time, as well as being the perfect send-off for the original ECW before WWE rubbed their balls all over it.

But a pro wrestling webzine of the Smarkitude calibur wouldn't be complete without discussing it. So let's fucking get it. Let's do the entire show. Right in the mouth.

In the weeks leading up to this show, WWE wrestlers such as JBL took to the airwaves to piss all over ECW's existence. Which is a great way to get the brand over to those who didn't even know what it was. Keep in mind, ECW had been gone for like five years at this point and ECW was never really national. Even when they were on TNN, they weren't advertised properly and didn't get a lot of reach. They were a cult phenomenon. Lucky fuckers. Whose grandma do I have to fuck to get this webzine on that level?

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Anyway. We open with Extreme Heat, a special edition of Sunday Night Heat to get a little pre-cum leaking out of the ECW audience. It was hosted by Michael Cole and The Coach, who are absolutely two people I would associate with ECW. Totally.

The two guys who spent their entire 90s runs being fingerfucked by The Rock on national TV. Yeah. Fuck it. They're the right people to get on this shit. You fucking idiots.

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If you'll recall, ECW did have a presence in the WWF Invasion, which I absolutely enjoyed because I got to see Stephanie McMahon in leather on a regular basis. Why doesn't she dress like that anymore? Why doesn't everyone? Why isn't society just a cyberpunk utopia where everyone looks cute and wears latex/leather? Now I'm sad again.

WWE had also put out the ECW Rise and Fall documentary about a year prior, which is also very good. But it's sorely lacking in Stephanie McMahon in latex... alright. I'm sorry. I'll stop.

After the success of that documentary, Robbie V had convinced Vince McMahon to do a One Night Stand pay-per-view for the promotion to bank some of that Dub-Money. Because if there's one thing ECW was known for, it's drawing money.

Two days before One Night Stand, Shane Douglas ran a show called Hardcore Homecoming that I got on DVD when I was a teenager from someone in their 30s who thought I was hot until I turned 18. I cherished their friendship.

So as the show begins, we keep getting shown the empy seats that the Anti-ECW Crusaders are going to be sitting in. Fuck yeah. When I think ECW, I think JBL and Orlando Jordan. It's also worth noting that on the DVD, there's an alternate JBL commentary because he had a mic hooked to his shirt and just shit on the show the entire night. Sadly, during Sandman's entrance in the main event, his commentary stops because they had to edit out the Enter Sandman theme music. So that's 5 minutes of lost audio. Throw that on the lost media wiki. I want it back.

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Joey Styles comes out, cries like a bitch, wets his pants and starts screaming things to get the crowd more riled up than they already were.

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Lance Storm vs. Chris Jericho

This is a good match. And that's all there is to say about it. Jericho's in full Lionheart mode, even though he's coming out to Break The Walls Down. If they really wanted to troll the audience, they should have had him come out to Evenflow by Pearl Jam. I mean, fuck it. Jericho was barely in ECW. I'm pretty sure he spent more time being archive footage on TNN so they could wack off the names that used to be there.

Eventually, Justin Credible runs out and runs interference with his singapore cane. It was a damn SHAME that such an iconic wrestler as Lance Storm would have to resort to having another midcarder come out to make the match have any semblance of a point. For shame, Lanceward.

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Tajiri vs. Super Crazy vs. Little Guido

Gary FUCKIN' Wolfe is in the house, looking like a scrotum stretched over a bowling ball. I'm more hyped to see Sinister Minister (with Mikey Whipwreck) escorting Tajiri to his match. We've also got the FBI with Guido, but Super Crazy is all alone. How sad.

This match had it all. Crazy dives, stopping mid-match because you fucked up your spot, me eating a plate of breakfast sausage. Truly one of the best three-way-dances I've seen all day.

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Rey Mysterio vs. Psychosis

It's time for more indiscriminate flippy shit! Do you like watching two grown men holding hands for a solid minute? Well, this should fill your needs for a while. This match factually exists. The only cool part was Psychosis getting launched into Sandman's girlfriend in the front row.

It was so telegraphed that there's no way he didn't do it on purpose. Like, he totally wanted to rub his ass on a girl's boobs. And who can blame him?

It's also worth noting that Psychosis took his mask off in the beginning of the match to set up for his SmackDown! run coming up, where he rides on a lawnmower. Gotta love it.

But fuck that shit. SmackDown! is here! Is that enough exclamation points? Christ.

For a brief moment, we cut to Danny Doring and Roadkill... for no reason. It lasts like, half a second, and then glitches back into the live feed. (This was cut out of the DVD rerelease.) That means that promo is more lost media. That's two so far. Damn.

Also, apparently the entire collective ECW audience's single mother taught him how to suck dick.

Then RVD comes out to his WWE music and cuts a shoot promo on being sick of WWE wrestlers and how his character was handled. But he's cut off by Rhino hitting the ring, goring him and then getting challenged by Sabu.

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Sabu vs. Rhino

This match factually happened. It was... it was alright.

I don't know. Fuck it.

We visit Al Snow in the back, who is yelling at Head for inviting the WWE Crusaders. This is retarded. I love it.

And now Raw is here, with Eric "Fax Machine" Bischoff.

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Eddie Guerrero vs. Chris Benoit

JBL can't let go of the fact that these two guys are employed with WWE. I can't let go of the fact that Chris Benoit murdered his wife and son before killing himself.

The crowd, instead of watching two of the greatest technical wrestlers of all time, decides to chant "she's got herpes" at Edge in the balcony. JBL spends the match praising them for being WWE guys, making gay jokes and hitting on the girl who brings them beers.

I don't like the whole "that wouldn't fly today" approach, but holy fucking shit.

Joel Gertner wants Bischoff to give him a job, gets beer thrown on him and gets buried. So fuck it. Whatever.

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Masato Tanaka vs. Mike Awesome

This is absolutely Match of the Night. Ignore the fact that Joey Styles wished Mike Awesome would kill himself (which he later would). The commentary on this match was bruuuuuutal. Joey Styles has drank way too much of the kool-aid. Mike Awesome gave up not getting paid by Paul "Check's in the Mail" Heyman to accept a job where he'd be used on national TV and get good money. Sure, it ended poorly. But at the time it probably seemed much better.

But seriously. This match ruled. It's just two big dudes fucking each other up. Good shit.

But then, Paul Heyman comes out, ready to SHOOT, COWBOY!

No recap does this promo justice. At the time, this was heavy shit considering this was on a WWE-produced event.

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The Dudley Boyz vs. Tommy Dreamer and The Sandman

Why didn't the Dudleyz come out with Joel Gertner? HE WAS HERE. AND USED LIKE SHIT. WHAT THE FUCK.

But then we get one of the greatest entrances in the history of professional wrestling. Obviously, Sandman's Enter Sandman entrance is iconic whenever it happens, but this was the one that was really fucking amazing. But fuck that, because after all that, the Blue World Order shows up!

FUCK.

Then Balls Mahoney and Axl Rotten come out. Too bad they weren't in the bWo as well. They could've been Rotten Blue Balls.

We get Kid Kash (not in his Kid Rock attire, unfortunately) who gets a spot to clear all the invaders out of the ring and transition into the match. Which immediately segues into a cheese grater getting grinded into Dreamer's skull. There's ladders rolling around, canes, chairs, etc. But then the Impact Players run out and start fucking shit up. Then we get the Beulah/Francine catfight. There's so much chaos here it's hard to recap. Not that I want to recap the action. I want to make fun of everyone. But with shit like this, you really have to for the sake of context.

This match ends with the iconic powerbomb through the flaming table, which was my wallpaper for a while in 2005. As Sandman is checking up on Dreamer and demanding a beer, out comes Stone Cold Steve Austin!

And he's wearing an XFL jersey! Holy fuck.

Of course, this brawl also involves the massive stiff-punch that JBL threw into Blue Meanie's stitched-up head. We get the execution of Bischoff and a beer bash to send off the show. I've seen this show so fucking much, that a lot of it has lost it's sizzle. But it's still one of the best shows that's ever happened in wrestling. It's just so fun. Yeah, there are better ECW pay-per-views. But the pure excitement, hype and fun that went into this show makes up for it twiceover.

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A dark humor webzine brutally mocking professional wrestling.