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ECW Barely Legal

Extreme Championship Wrestling :: Pay-Per-View Recaps :: Date: September 1st, 2018

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"...and to those who said we could never do it, you're about to get outed! Because we know you bought the pay-per-view! We know you're gonna have a good time!"

Hell yeah! I got my Barely Legal shirt!

My Barely Legal hat!

And I'm watching National Lampoon's Barely Legal!

(No I'm not... and I never have.)

Over the past few days I've been watching ECW Hardcore TV and I am sick of hearing Thunderkiss '69 by White Zombie.

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The slow buildup to ECW's Barely Legal, their first pay-per-view ever, has been great. They took the nWo parody the "Blue World Order" and actually turned into a legitimate push for Stevie Richards. He turned on Raven, grew a pair of balls and even managed to unbrainwash Sandman's ex-wife and son. The power of parody, ladies and gentlemen.

They even got WWF to cross-promote it, allowing ECW to appear on WWF Monday Night Raw (back when it sucked) in a hilarious appearance. The matches weren't very good but it's a fascinating little piece of history regardless. But unfortunately Jerry Lawler was the heel and continually bashed the product and the wrestlers for doing "extreme" things, but then when WWF guys would use the stairs or steel chairs on each other Lawler wouldn't say shit.

He also criticized ECW for being a "freak show" after watching The Goddwins throw a slop bucket on somebody, followed by the Headbangers vs. Legion of Doom... and a Goldust promo.

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Yeah. ECW's a freakshow, you fucking mark.

Also the poster says "No minors, no exceptions!" yet I'm pretty sure I've been seeing Sandman's 6 year old son all over the show for the last several months. You know what we call that? An exception.

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We open up in the bluest ring I've ever seen. It looks like a fucking swimming pool. A guy in the crowd is holding a "Bischoff takes it up the ass!" sign, which is probably not true.

Joey Styles is interupted by the Dudley Boyz, who are dressed to compete... in a gay hillbilly fashion show.

The show opened with the new Harry and the Slashtones theme, which... thank fuck. I'm so sick of White Zombie. Thunderkiss my ass. It doesn't even make sense. They have the Pitbulls walk out to that shit as their theme song and then it's also the ECW theme song, but the Pitbulls don't represent ECW on a corporate level. It's nonsensical.

The Dudley Boyz vs. The Eliminators

ECW World Tag Team Championships

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Perry Saturn looks half retarded... and then you hear him cut a promo and he sounds completely retarded. Meanwhile Kronus walks out just spouting nonsense the entire entrance. I don't know what he said but he seemed to believe every word.

They hit Total Elimination on Sign Guy Dudley and then The Eliminators won the ECW Tag-Team Titles.

Joel Gertner tried to say that the Dudley Boyz retained the belts via "points." But don't worry, he was Totally Eliminated.

...I think I just figured out what tag-team move to give Mary-Kate and Ashley in my wrestling video games.

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After the match, Joey Styles is standing in front of a curtain and cutting a promo. He's yelling louder than usual and there's a visible shadow. This is what it looks like when you're actually cutting the promo live at the arena and not at Paul Heyman's house, pretending it's the arena.

The Sandman is wearing hoop earrings like the slut he is. Maybe he uses them to hold his cigarretes.

Sandman then proceeds to smash his own face with a singapore cane until he starts bleeding. It's a promo. He's bleeding in a fucking promo.

Lance Storm vs. Rob Van Dam

Chris Candido hits the ring with an arm sling, which has to suck because he's right handed so that means he can't beat off. Maybe if he can peel Sunny's mouth off Shawn Michaels cock she can service him but if not he's gonna have blue balls.

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Candido introduces Lance Storm who has the most ridiculous hair I've ever seen.

Rob Van Dam comes out dressed like a Bic lighter. The crowd's chanting "You Sold Out" because he's been making appearances on WWF Monday Night Raw, because wrestling in AIDS-infested bingo halls for a hotdog and a handshake is the right thing to do.

...actually, fuck it. That place is burial city. You leave a franchise and show up correcting people's grammar.

(Seriously. If Shane Douglas had just waited until 1998 to jump to the WWF it probably wouldn't have been so awful.)

Rob Van Dam beat Lance Storm in a match that didn't actually serve any purpose. Then he pulls the referee in the ring and goes "raise my hand!" Why do you need a man to raise your hand? What a weirdo.

Lance Storm tries to shake RVD's hand, but RVD grabs a microphone and cuts a promo about not giving a shit about respect. He says "Yeah. I'm an asshole and I sold out... I sold out by wrestling here after clearly being chosen as a second-line wrestler to fill in for somebody injured." He says he only did it for money.

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bWo Japan (Taka Michinoku, Terry Boy and Dick Togo) vs. The Great Sasuke, Gran Hamada and Masato Yakushiji

ECW has imported stars from Michinoku Pro Wrestling, which is described as a mix of lucha libre and Japanese style.

They even have a Japanese referee. That's how you know it's legit.

The ring fills with confetti and looks like a 5 year old's birthday party.

I can only assume that TAKA Michinoku is the Vince McMahon of Michinoku Pro Wrestling. He's gotta own that organization! They named it after him!

If we're trying to kayfabe that bWo Japan exists, we could have at least given them bWo shirts that don't have Stevie, Meanie and Nova's names on the back.

I like The Great Sasuke because he's dressed like a ninja and ninjas are cool.

I always call Dick Togo "Dick To Go." Like a fast food place for straight women.

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"Yeah. I gotta get some Dick To Go. Hold the balls."

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They showed a match graphic for Sandman vs. Funk vs. Richards that had all of them with their right arms up in the air. Battle of the armpits.

"The Franchise" Shane Douglas vs. Pitball #2

Shane Douglas comes out and cuts a promo about "why he came back to ECW" while a fan in the audience is making the "dick in the pussy" motion with his fingers. Endlessly.

Pitbull #1 is in the audience with a brace around his neck. Douglas threw his ass down by the surgically-attached halo and people freaked out. Joey Styles gasped. People rioted. I laughed my ass off.

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At the end of it all, the masked man who has been harassing Shane Douglas came out wearing the Simply Ravishing robe. He got assaulted only to get demasked and find out it's... Brian Lee.

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That's the third most disappointing Brian Lee appearance. Second being as Fake Undertaker, first being his actual birth.

Rick Rude pops in, they beat the shit out of Shane Douglas and they play Thunderkiss again. I'm so fucking sick of this song.

Taz vs. Sabu

The Grudge Match of the Century

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I'm not actually sure why Taz and Sabu hate each other so much. I was watching the shows leading up to this and it seems like Taz just all of a sudden started calling out Sabu and said "he won't fight me." Eventually they do the showdown, match is confirmed for Barely Legal and here we go.

I mean, after all that they had a lot of story development and shit but I don't actually understand why it started in the first place.

Taz even called out Rob Van Dam for using a chair. He said...

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Taz lost to Sabu, so Fonzie ripped off his shirt and revealed that he's wearing a Sabu shirt!

A Sabu shirt that was drawn and designed by Taz.

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Hey man. Whatever.

Stevie Richards v. Sandman v. Terry Funk

Winner Faces Raven for the ECW World Heavyweight Championship

The Blue World Order came out, complete with 7-11 (who, unlike Syxx, hasn't been documented picking on the disabled and then blocking people on Twitter for calling him out on it) and a guy dressed like Dennis Rodman because fuck it. Why not.

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Terry Funk was having a blast with a ladder in this match. He put it on his neck and spun around rapidly, hitting everyone in the face with it.

Not to mention he also did a fucking moonsault off a ladder onto both dudes.

Terry Funk wound up winning after hitting a barbed wire-clad moonsault onto Sandman, which immediately transitions into...

Raven vs. Terry Funk

ECW World Heavyweight Championship

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Funk is oozing blood like a used tampon floating in a toilet.

Reggie Bennett... who I don't know who the fuck she is, but she came out and hit a horribly botched powerbomb on Terry Funk. I mean. Funk is getting the shit kicked out of him. It's really brutal.

As it turns out she was in Over the Top as an arm wrestler.

The booking on this was utterly nonsensical. Why would you have the ECW World Heavyweight Championship match happen right after the three-way-dance? That's just unfair.

You can actually see Tod Gordon, the commissioner (or whatever) run out and start waving his arms, screaming that the show's about to go off the air. Fuck! That means this play-by-play is about to go off the air! Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Shirt! Fudge! Shit!

Funk wins. Place explodes. He's the new ECW Champion. A breaker blows. The power goes out. X-Pac is a cunt. ECW is still completely legal. So is Smarkitude. Goodnight, everybody!

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