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AEW Revolution

All Elite Wrestling :: Date: February 29th, 2020

This is AEW Revolution! We kick off with the pre-show, with the Dark Order taking on SCU in a tag-team match. The crowd is chanting "spooky perverts", which is gimmick infringement quite frankly. I've been a spooky pervert for way longer than any of these guys.

But then, Chicago's favorite wrestler... the man who's competed in ROH and WWE... the man who got screwed by the system... that's right. Colt Cabana is here.

Wait...

Anyway. Christopher Daniels still likes SCU and isn't going to join the Kinky Cult of Cuckolds any time soon. What a shame. I wanted him to start dressing like a priest again.

JR made a comment about Kris Statlander being from Uranus, which I wish was true. She could bring that weird ET finger.

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As Jack Hager makes his way to the ring to fight Dustin Rhodes, he stops off to make out with his wife. The reason? He's more powerful if he has a giant erection in his pants.

Dustin was wearing a shirt that said "I'm here to fight Jericho's bitch", but also managed to fit in time to kiss Hager's bitch too. Bitches everywhere.

There is nothing in this world I believe in less than Hangman Page's alcoholism. The way he daintily sips the beers is something I relate to, because beer tastes like pee, without any of the sexual thrill of knowing it's pee.

But honestly, I am in a state of disbelief right now. Because Cody Rhodes got a fucking neck tattoo.

A NECK TATTOO.

You don't get a neck tattoo unless you're so full of tattoos you can't possibly fit a new one anywhere else. That is fucking bananas.

Orange Cassidy vs. Pac was really entertaining, but probably should have been more of a murder. Murder rules.

But fuck all that noise, because Jon Moxley was only pretending that his eye was crusted over like that episode of Angry Beavers--- and he is your NEW AEW World Heavyweight Champion. God damn it. This rules.

Fuck it. Let's crank the Fuck anthem.

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A dark humor webzine brutally mocking professional wrestling.