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AEW Dynamite (May 13th, 2020)

All Elite Wrestling :: Date: May 13th, 2020

Last week on Dynamite, which I didn't do a review on because I fucking suck, Jake "The Snake" Roberts had assaulted Brandi Rhodes and strattled her like some sort of rapist asshole. Well, this week he came out and said that he was supposed to issue an apology for what happened... but said he wasn't going to, and that women folk are for the fuckin'. Hell yeah. As a woman, I can confirm that I don't have any thoughts and all I want to do is make food for fat junkies who haven't been relevant since one feud with Macho Man back in the 80s.

As Jake is going off on his tirade about women being glorified sandwich machines, Cody drives down these Cody Roads in a truck, taps a guard rail, it gently tips over and he bursts out of the car like Eminem in the Forgot About Dre video. He starts throwing punches slightly less convincing than Shane McMahon getting revenge on Randy Orton... which makes me want to listen to Saliva's Hunt You Down. The brawl that Lance Archer and Cody had was pretty entertaining all things considered.

Orange Cassidy shows up wearing a denim mask to protect everyone from his COVID-19.

Maybe that's why he's so chill all the time: he's dying.

After the match between A Boy and His Dinosaur vs. Best Friends, Wardlow hops the barricade and throws Marko Stunt into the railing like Marko stole his fizzy lifting drinks.

It was pretty brutal, but considering that Marko Stunt fucking sucks I'm all for it.

Santana was wearing Body Glove underwear, but due to a fold in the waistband it looked like it said Boy Glove. It sounds very, very gay.

Another dramatic thing that happened on this show was the death of Vanguard 1. Chris Jericho smashed his shit in with a baseball bat, which made Matt Hardy cry like someone killed his child. The commentators put it over by laughing in his big horse mouth.

Aside from that, the only other thing worth noting is that Brodie Lee stole the AEW Championship and that SCU are still rocking their gimmick of being severely uncool dads who think they're just the coolest dudes on the block. How did this show end? I have no idea because I passed out.

I slept like a baby, just like Brandi Rhodes last week when Jake was rubbing his snake all over her face.

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A dark humor webzine brutally mocking professional wrestling.