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AEW Dynamite (10/30/2019)

All Elite Wrestling :: Date: October 30th, 2019

You know, I'm really shaping up to be AEW's version of DDT Digest, with how I've managed to review every AEW show since their inception.

Well, except for those AEW Dark shows.. but I'm not watching a bunch of pointless storylineless wrestling. That's retarded.

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We open with Tony Schiavonne outside an airplane, talking about the signing for the AEW Championship main event. The Brothers Rhodes get off the plane, and we cut to footage from after last week's show where Tony Khan is telling Jon Ambose that he is UNSANCTIONABLE. That his match will be a lights-out match.

This enrages "The Unsanctionable" Dean Moxley, who goes off on a tirade about how they're just trying to protect "their boy" so that if he gets beat it won't count on his win/loss record.

Sammy Guevara comes out looking like freshly squeezed ass juice, and Hangman Page comes out to wrestle him. Because this is a wrestling show.

There's Rick and Morty ads all over the turnbuckles and ring post. This is a wrestling show for intelligent fans.

The Rock 'n' Roll Express show up to present the AEW Tag-Team Championships to whoever wins tonight's match, but I just imagine Jim Cornette somewhere seething with rage that they're not winning the belts.

But Santana and Ortiz show up and kick the fuck out of them. This rules. I love violence against the elderly.

I'll say right now while Tony Schiavonne is telling a story about a naked Dusty Rhodes, that this is probably the best episode of Dynamite so far. It's starting to get interesting. If they can keep this up, I'll be happy.

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Looking like some bizarre WWE 2K19 hack, Best Friends come out dressed like Rick and Morty... and get introduced by Morty. This is bananas.

I fucking love Orange Cassidy.

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Chris Jericho comes out with a purple suit jacket with pumpkins all over it. JR says it's "purple and gold, Thanksgiving colors."

...whatever, Jim.

After a really good contract signing segment, Sammy Guevera appears on screen showing that Jake Hagar is kicking the absolute fuck out of his brother Red Dust. They even dented the limo with his fucking spine. It was awesome. This show rules.

Kenny Omega comes out as Sans from Undertale, who I.. I don't know what the fuck that is.

After the six man tag match, the Young Bucks are high fiving fans when two of them in Rick and Morty masks grab onto their hands and start kicking the shit out of them. It's Santana and Ortiz! Motherfucker!

Looking at the audience for AEW, I'm wondering if I could even get an AEW t-shirt. Do they even bother stocking anything below a 3XL?

Oh Christ. The Librarians are still here. But Jon Moxley comes through the crowd, fucks their shit up and spiddles on the microphone a little bit.

SCU are the new AEW tag-team champions. La Parka Jr. looked pissed. He even smacked Lady Ref's hands away. Don't abuse lady ref you skeletal fuck. She's too pretty for this. Smack a fat bitch instead.

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A dark humor webzine brutally mocking professional wrestling.