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AEW Dynamite (10/17/2019)

All Elite Wrestling :: Date: October 16th, 2019

It's so weird having a wrestling show to look forward to again.

Last week's show wasn't great, but they're in the building process. I'm not going to hold it against them quite yet.

Out the gate, SCU (the guys who shit on the town every week but get cheered for some reason) were walking down when they were jumped by the Lucha Brothers and beaten in a clearly racially motivated hate crime. But as Not Pentagon went to pedigree Frank E. Kazarian, he took like five hours because Scorpio Sky needed to run down and save him and missed his cue.

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There's a guy in the crowd with a giant cutout of Ted Turner's head. It rules.

Because of how quickly he had to run out and replace Christopher Daniels, Scorpio only had one shoe on. But don't worry fans, that shoe could have been yours because he chucked it into the crowd... and the crowd threw it right back into the ring One Night Stand '06 style.

Alex Reynolds and John Silver come out... I don't actually know who the fuck they are. They're clearly jobbers for this match, but because AEW shows what's happening on the show during the commercials we get to see their entrance. So that's kinda cool.

Santana and Ortiz are cooler than I gave them credit for before. I originally was annoyed at them taking the LAX name since I was such a big LAX fan back in the day, but they're totally cool as fuck.

Ortiz just screams "WE'RE THE BEST. THE BEST. THE BEST. THE BEST. THE BEST."

Like a schizophrenic Foo Fighters.

We get an odd video of Cody being a sad boy with piano music playing.

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Cody's Mom: It's really hard when you're somebody's son.

Everyone is somebody's kid... oh wait, you mean somebody to be the son of somebody famous. But like... who gives a fuck? "Wahh. My dad's famous." Get over it. Do your own shit. Grow a pair of testicle balls and let Brandi Rhodes touch your butt.

Dr. Britt Baker should name all of her moves after tooth stuff. Like, she could have a move where she shoves her entire fist up your ass and call it the Cavity Search.

I just witnessed the absolute destruction of Marko Stunt and it was hilarious. But then Lady Ref started touching his shirtless body. Maybe I should let hispanics kick the shit out of me. It worked for my gay aunt.

Now that we're at Pac/Moxley vs. Omega/Hangman, that makes FOUR tag-team matches on one show. This is fucking bonkers.

Darby Allin vs. Chris Jericho was fucking incredible. At one point Darby gets his hands duct-taped behind his back and he still gets offense with no hands. I bet he could cum with no hands too. Doin' fuckin' kegels and shit. Just purge that jizz out, but not too much. His nuts are probably half dead too.

Darby got fucked over by Jake Hager because... well... we've already promoted Cody vs. Jericho like a motherfucker. We can't just abandon that now. We've got AEW Full Gear coming up, damn it! Think about the buyrates!

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goback

A dark humor webzine brutally mocking professional wrestling.