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AEW Dynamite (10/2/2019)

All Elite Wrestling :: Date: October 2nd, 2019

This is it! The Wednesday Night Wars! Rolls right off the tongue.

It's the ultimate battle! An indy pretending to be a mainstream wrestling promotion taking on a mainstream wrestling promotion pretending to be an indy.

And no, I'm not watching NXT. Fuck that show.

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We've got rainbows! Colorful clouds! Some guy screaming "dynamite!" The TNT logo! God damn. This is awesome. I'm genuinely stoked. You've got Jim Ross and Tony Schiavonne on commentary at the same time. That'll certainly put my butt in the seat.

Sammy Guevera looks like the guy who jerks off with a tranny on Omegle but then shit talks them on Facebook.

Tony Schiavonne points out that Sammy Pandas vs. Cody Rhodes is the first wrestling match that's broadcast on TNT since 2001.

I like the lady ref's power stance. She gets that Billy Mitchell leg spread going.

During the commercial break, they show Chris Jericho kicking the fuck out of Cody Rhodes and threatening to molest Brandi and Lady Ref. It's so weird. You've got the Verizon guy talking about Sprint while Cody is getting the FUCK beat out of him. This is bizarre as fuck. It's doing split screen like you're playing Mario Kart 64.

I know TNT does weird shit, but I haven't watched TV in so long I wasn't aware that this was on the table. I do remember in the 90s they aired every Rocky movie in reverse-chronological order (starting with Rocky 5 and ending with Rocky 1.) So nothing really out-odds that. But seriously. Jericho is smashing this dude with a chair. It fucking rules.

They tricked me into thinking we were gonna do ROH-style handshake wrestling where every match ends with a smile and a handshake but instead it ended with the absolute raping of this blonde goofball. I am fully entertained.

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Brian Cutler is apparently a D&D nerd who entered a Justin Credible lookalike contest and scored 3rd place, so MJF beat the hell out of him. Totally reasonable. Can't argue with that.

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So Jay and Silent Bob get into an argument with the Highlighter twins and Private Party shows up in the crowd to hook them up with some beers. I think Big E. Langston's working security. Not sure.

We get a skit with SCU outside the White House. Scorpio Sky is doing a timely Barack Obama impression and they do their catchphrases with Kazarian and Daniels dressed like CIA agents. I don't get it.

They might be in DC, I wasn't really paying attention. But then the Lucha Bros show up being detained by Atlas Security. After a catchphrase-battle, they end up in a Brawl. Lady Ref's got her arms wrapped around Daniels. Lucky fuck. I want a hug from Lady Ref.

They hype Riho vs. Nyla Rose and show Nyla's Zelda tattoo front and center. I smell a lawsuit brewing.

Hangman Page is in the house, and I still don't get the hype. His entrance music is like a euphoric flu.

Pac calls himself The Bastard, but the real bastard is X-Pac. Fuck that AIDS ridden zilch.

If Pac is the man gravity forgot, then I guess Owen Hart is the man gravity endorsed.

Oddly, they rang the bell while Pac was outside the ring to start the match. Doesn't bother me. I just thought it was odd, but I'm sure Jim Cornette is seething with rage right now.

They're talking about how Hangman Page lost the AEW World Heavyweight Championship to Chris Jericho, but I think the reason he was booked to lose was that the last time they gave a Paige a championship somebody wound up cumming on it.

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A Postmates commercial aired where a guy is chopping vegetables, accidentally cuts his finger off, screams in bloody agony and falls out the window to his death. But the commercial has the gonads to put the text "do not attempt this" on the screen. Why the fuck would I cut my finger off and throw myself out the window?

Wait... now they're playing a commercial for American Dad. On second thought, death sounds lovely this time of year.

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Nyla Rose definitely looks better with makeup. As do we all. Not even hating. I'm just glad she's wearing makeup. Some women never do and I hate them.

Nyla Rose was born in my homestate and moved to a state I also used to live in. I'm also slightly Native American, but I'm trying to learn how to speak Japanese. This is a match for me, damn it.

During the six-man tag main event of Bootleg LAX & Chris Jericho vs. Bootleg Hardy Boyz & Bootleg Ken from Street Fighter, Dean Moxley jumped the barricade and instigated a brawl with Kenny Omega that led to Omega getting DDT'D THROUGH A GLASS TABLE.

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VIOLENCE FUCKING RULES.

Chaos ensues at the end of this match. The Elite get beaten down by Planet Jericho. It's Y2J, Sammy Pandas, Bootleg LAX and motherfucking Jack Swagger--- sorry, Jake Hager, jumps the barricade and joins the action.

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He's still pissed that Big Show broke his trophies.

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A dark humor webzine brutally mocking professional wrestling, in the old school Human Raccoon style.