AEW Double or Nothing
All Elite Wrestling :: Date: May 26th, 2019
AEW's Double or Nothing event is being broadcast through many online video services. Me? I'm using ThePirateBay.
Casino Battle Royale
The rules of this are kind of convoluted. Apparently they drew playing cards and their placement in the battle royale was determined by what card they drew. Also, one of the dudes in the battle royale yelled at a man with no legs, called him "Lt. Dan" and said he "can't hack it."
Nakazowa is slathering himself in baby oil in the middle of the ring and using it to escape submissions and suplexes. This fat dude with the yellow face paint looks like the guy who made an acid-bomb for Bjork.
We've got Billy Gunn! We've got Glacier! We've got Stan, the guy Shawn Michaels kicked!
I wonder who has more estrogen in them: Sonny Kiss or Tommy Dreamer.
Tommy Dreamer grabs some weapons and the crowd starts chanting "ECW!" That's a good way to start your promotion: by your audience chanting for another one.
Hangman Page got a pretty good pop. I don't know why because I'm not a nerd.
I have two new favs after seeing this match: Luchasaurus and Orange Cassidy.
They were interviewing some chick who looked like Bailey is going to look when she's 40, but she was interrupted by two librarians. One of them had decent tits and the other was a girl.
"The Best Ever" Sammy Guevara vs. "Superbad" Kip Sabian
This man is wearing a panda's head like it's a cape. Apparently he's a real asshole. That's a shame. I like pandas.
This match has a lady ref. I wonder if either of these guys intentionally held their submissions even after the other guy got to the ropes just so the lady ref would touch their nearly-naked bodies.
Her hands look soft. I bet they did.
Then the Circlejerk strolls in. Cody Rhodes, Kenny Omega and the Superkick Twins show up to basically tug on their dicks in front of everyone.
Randomly, Brandi Rhodes goes "AND THIS IS THE FIRST WRESTLING EVENT THAT WON'T GIVE EPILEPTICS SEIZURES." and the crowd was like "idfc."
SCU vs. Misc. Asians
SCU's gimmick fucking sucks.
Suddenly Kazarian, Daniels and Not-Ricochet are obsessed with California? The fuck?
You know, this is just like the wrestling gimmick I created back in the late 2000s. He was California Love, who claimed he was from the "country of California." He was a white guy, he had a god-awful Cockney impression of an accent, wore a black and green luchadore mask and baggy rapper clothes. He came out dancing to Tupac's California Love and had absolutely no respect for women whatsoever.
He was the Cruiserweight Champion on my copy of SmackDown vs. RAW 2007.
"Smilie" Kylie Rae vs. Nyla Rose vs. Dr. Britt Baker, DMT
Nyla sounds too much like Nia. Are we bootlegging a shitty wrestler now?
OH FUCK. AWESOME KONG!
THIS SHOW RULES.
For some reason, Brandi Rhodes is rooting endlessly for Awesome Kong. I guess she's a cunt or something. Not totally sure.
Earlier in the show, the Circlejerk made a joke about how WWE inflates the number of people in their buildings. But just now, Jim Ross took a shot at how in AEW they're actually allowed to mention the names of the referees.
The amount of fucking aesops this show keeps trying to throw at me is making my blood boil. "This show is epilepsy free!" "The benefits go to victims of gun violence!" "Love each other!" Bunch of liberal hippy bullshit. I don't watch wrestling to feel emotions like love or joy. I want to punch stuff, man! This is punch stuff: the show.
If they really want to prove they're an equal rights company they should have men vs. women in deathmatches.
Best Friends vs. Angelico and Jack Evans
Angelico looks like Dean Ambrose if he was dressed like a highlighter.
After the match, these weird curtain jerkers hit the ring and assaulted everyone with a bunch of masked shirtless men helping.
Asian Lady Six-Lady-Man Tag-Team Match
Some of these chicks are so fucking retarded looking that I'm getting frustrated.
Cody Rhodes vs. Goldust
A bunch of gold shit flashes, making me think it's Goldust, but then Cody comes dressed like an RPG character and walks past a prototype Triple-H-WrestleMania-Entrance-Set-Piece. But then, Brandi hands him a sledge hammer and he smashes the throne.
For those keeping count, that's 3 cheap shots at WWE tonight.
In one of the goriest matches I've seen in semi-mainstream wrestling, Cody beat Reddust and then cried like a bitch and hugged him.
This could have led to Cody being all evil and shit but instead he's just a pussy.
And the Rhodes family is teaming up against the Young Bucks at the next PPV for some reason.
Bret Hart is here, probably to cut a promo about how he was screwed in Montreal.
The Young Bucks vs. La Parka Bros.
Sorry, I fell asleep.
Chris Jericho vs. Kenny Omega
Chris Jericho had a cool entrance that harkened back to his evolution through his career, but his torso looks like a slab of deli meat.
I wound up falling asleep during this match too. But I woke up just in time for Dean Moxley to jump the barricade.
Jon Ambrose kicked the shit out of both guys and hit a Durdy Deets on top of the poker chip structure on the stage. I'm more shocked that WWE gave him such a public, publicized farewell when this is what they were going to let happen.
This show wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either. It needed to be an all-time classic like ECW One Night Stand, but instead it was just a semi-decent show. A lot of the matches went on WAY too long. There were several false finishes where I'm like, "if they had just ended this match here, it would have meant something." Then they would have like four to five more false finishes after that and you could feel the crowd deflate.