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AEW All Out

All Elite Wrestling :: Date: September 1st, 2019

This is AEW All Out! The final pay-per-view before we go to TNT to battle Vince McMahon on the same night as their most popular sho---

Wait a minute, this sounds familiar.

Casino Battle Royale

So... apparently we're doing another Casino Battle Royale, even though we're in Chicago and not Vegas like last time. Whatever. Fuck it. Do whatever you want.


We've got Nia Jax--- er, Nyla Rose and a bunch of other chicks. One of them's the librarian. I don't know. Whatever.

Master Bates used books to stay off the ground and walk back into the ring, but Nyla Rose cracked her in the face with a book. I laughed.

This chick won't stop trying to do springboard backflips and keeps missing. Like, take the fucking hint that you can't do it. You don't see me doing 450s onto my keyboard while writing articles. Get over yourself.

I just saw this red bitch in the corner scooting her ass into another girl's taint to set up Tenille Dashwood's double splash. It was so obvious. Like, could you be shittier? You're not supposed to NOTICE people setting up their spots.

I'm pretty stoked to see ODB in the house. It reminds me of when my dumbass grandmother saw ODB on Impact and said "That has to be a man. She's disgusting." I'll never forget it because I looked over and saw her old fat ass bubbling over a square stool like a fleshy muffin.

Nyla Rose wins and the commentators mention that she's lost her first two matches... which is retarded, because you'd think they'd want to... I don't know... push the monster. She was on her way to being this generation's Vader. WWF Vader.

Private Party vs. Angelico and Jack Evans


Private Party represents an entire subculture of annoying shitheads that I can't stand. But so do Angelico and Jack Evans, so it all balances out.

Commentator: "From the window... TO THE WALLS!"

Uh... 'til the sweat drips from my balls?

Jack Evans nailed a women's german suplex. The reason I call it a women's german suplex is that it was botched and almost broke the dude's neck.

I will say, Private Party fucking rules.

Dr. Girlfriend: Is that hairstyle called a Frohawk?

Jim Ross actually has made me feel like I used to feel watching wrestling. His talk about calling my cable provider and how AEW is coming to TNT has me excited. So does the arrival of Orange Cassidy, who is the greatest athlete in the history of our sport.

It's time to perform America the Beautiful! Here we go, bitch.


SCU vs. Two Pre-Pubes and a Dinosaur

Christopher Daniels is wearing sunglasses that wrap all the way around his head. I'm at a loss for words.

He looks like a douche.

Daniels asks "does anyone remember a year ago?" I mean. I don't remember like... the entire thing.

After the math, all the wrestlers shake hands hug. Jim Ross comments that it's "nice to see occasionally." He should tune into ROH, where every match ends like that.

Kenny Omega vs. "The Bastard" Pac

I thought they were airing a vignette for Kenny Omega, but it turned out to be his titantron. Why is his Kahntron just him walking around in the city? That's weird.

Pac is phenomenal. I never got into his shit as Neville and I had tuned out of WWE by the time he made his heel turn, but he's one disgusting evil fuck. It's glorious.

Cracker Barrel Clash

Honestly? Match of the night. Hands down.

I totally spaced off during Smash Bros vs. Best Friends, not paying attention at all. That is, until Orange Cassidy showed up! This man is a license to print money.

And then the asians came out and I went back to not paying attention.

Cody Rhodes vs. Shawn Spears


This was actually the best match of the night. Pure emotion, storytelling, etc. This is what AEW needs to be to succeed. If everyone had the same amount of story and direction that Cody did, this would be a really solid product.

Oh yeah. And Arn Anderson took a break from taking a break to hit a spinebuster and blow out his kneecaps.


The Young Bucks vs. Pentagon Jr. And The Other Fella

During this awesome ladder match, Young Buck #2 ripped off Pentagon's mask and revealed that he's just a pudgy dude named Isaias. The crowd booed Pengaton for being ugly.

I fell asleep during the main event of Chris Jericho vs. Hangman Page, but apparently Jericho won because having a slab of deli meat as your world champion is a good idea. Whatever. Fuck it. Do what you gotta do.

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A dark humor webzine brutally mocking professional wrestling.