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AEW All In

All Elite Wrestling :: Date: September 1st, 2018

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So this is it. All In. The event that indy wrestlers have been hyping for what feels like ages. I have no expectations. As a wrestling fan you come to expect a cup of hot piss being thrown in your eyes at any given moment.

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The show opened with a crowd shot of the absolute most Bullet Club shirts I've ever seen in one place. I cannot imagine how bad that crowd smells. It's gotta be like a fat kid's Xbox controller over there.

So we open with the Young Bucks cutting hyper-self-aware promos about running a wrestling event. Then they randomly brought out Road Warrior Whicheveronesstillalive.

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They've also got Justin Roberts as the ring announcer. Maybe Bryan Danielson will arrive and strangle him to death with a necktie. That would rule.

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People wanted CM Punk to be here but he's too busy pissing on his friends and masturbating to his own reflection.

I guess Frankie Kazarian was sick of getting told he looks like Randy Orton, so now he's coming out in some weird boxing getup. I liked it better when Hannah Montana did it.

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The Briscoes showed up next... covered in grease. Must have come straight from the Briscoe Brothers Body Shop.

The fucking logo for this show is terrible. It's just blockfont that says "ALL IN." They did manage to seemingly fill this arena. It was smart to do this in Chicago, one of the smarkiest wrestling cities in America. These people have totally drank the kool-aid.

They did a backstage interview where Kenny Omega and generic-female-interviewer made fun of WWE for making the women spread their legs to make the men seem taller. I didn't even know they did that. Makes sense though considering 90% of wrestlers these days are like 4 foot 11.

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Watching the Over Budget Battle Royale. We've got Hurricane, Trent Beretta, Bully Ray, Moose, Tommy Dreamer, Mr. Ass, Jimmy Jacobs, Colt Cabana, Chuck Taylor and several other wrestlers whose names I don't know because I barely watch indy wrestling ever.

I had no idea that Billy Gunn had a son, let alone one that's wrestling. But he's in there. Austin Gunn. I think I'll call him Junior Ass.

Although for some reason Billy Gunn's son looks 30 years older than Billy Gunn himself.

Brian Cage looks like Option 2 in the Body Size section of WrestleMania 2000.

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Okay. So the actual show starts (the shit before this was the preshow on WGN. This is the PPV.) and some girl is singing the national anthem. The crowd's like "MURRICA!"

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The only reason I know who Stephen Amell is is because of his appearance in WWE right before I quit watching. That being said, apparently the show he's on is on like season 7 so he's a big deal. I mean Full House only got 8 seasons (a fucking crime) so he must be doing something right.

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Cody Rhodes came out accompanied by DDP, Tommy Dreamer, Glacier and his dog. The dog got a pop from the crowd. Oh, and Brandi Rhodes. Which means Cody's rolling in with both his bitches.

Magnus, the current NWA Champion is coming out with Daivari and Jeff Jarrett... okay.

You know it's amazing. They've had all these matches so far and not one single storyline. Not even a vignette recapping a storyline. This is why I don't watch wrestling anymore.

Cody Rhodes vs. Magnus was a good match. Brandi Rhodes even wound up taking a bump.

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This match only existed so Cody could scream "I won the dad championship." and cry.

And that he did.

But finally after all that shit, we finally get a fucking storyline!

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About Joey Ryan's cock.

... I fucking hate wrestling in 2018.

And then Hangman Page, the man in the vignette who had a feud with Joey Ryan's penis, is fighting Joey Janela. A guy who had nothing to do with that entire vignette.

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This fucking makes no sense. This is retarded. If TNA did this everyone would be laughing and calling them awful. But since it was a Bullet Club joint everyone with a closet full of their fucking shirts just pretends it makes sense and is good.

They wound up using a literal cracker barrel as a weapon in the match and doing Donkey Kong spots with it.

Apparently Hangman Page as been talking to boots on Being The Elite and this justified superkicking a woman in the face.

Keep in mind that he purposefully kicked a woman in the face and nobody cared. The commentators said nothing. Meanwhile, Magnus ACCIDENTALLY bumped Brandi Rhodes who put HERSELF in the way and everyone freaked out. The crowd chanted "asshole" and the commentators shamed him. Logic? Where is it?

After the match (which was alright), the lights go out and a video of Joey Ryan getting a boner is shown.

Then a bunch of penises come out like the Undertaker's druids.

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...I'm in disbelief.

Joey Ryan hits the ring and throws Hangman Page around with his cock while some guy in the crowd acts like he's sucking a dick.

Why am I watching this? We just had Cody Rhodes doing the whole "winning the legendary belt my father held", the announcers were almost crying, and then we went to a guy working a match with his fucking dick. Does nobody see a fucking discrepancy here?

But we cut to the back and Jay Lethal was walking by... when an arm poked in and handed him... THE FUCKING BLACK MACHISMO GLASSES.

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HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

YES.

BLACK FUCKING MACHISMO!

He's back! With Lanny fucking Poffo! This fucking rules. I am so psyched. I fucking love Black Machismo.

For some reason when Jay Lethal gets slapped in the shoulder now it snaps him in and out of the gimmick. I don't recall that ever being the case. I'm pretty sure it all started with the Paparazzi Productions skits and that talent show.

Update: I have learned that apparently this was something done on Being The Elite, which is a YouTube show I don't watch. So my bad.

After the Kenny Omega vs. Pentagon Jr match, Chris Jericho appeared after a blackout disguised in Pentagon's outfit.

After that, the main event was a six man tag... for some reason. You'd think they'd want to end it on one of the world championship matches they held but apparently not. Instead, we end on this.

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Rey Mysterio as Wolverine.

...I'm sorry. They had a guy get a boner on the titantron and then walk out with a bunch of inflatable cocks. This show can go fuck itself. There is no way a mainstream audience is ever going to take this shit seriously with shit like that going on. I may not like the pure wrestling angle, but maybe some people would. But when you start doing an entire character whose personality is his FUCKING DICK it all falls apart.

Vince Russo was banned from this show. Why? Scared a storyline might happen? Nothing Vince Russo has ever written is worse than a guy wrestling with his fucking cock. That shit was fucking embarassing for anyone who was on this show. Mae Young birthing a hand wasn't this bad. All this shit that goes on these clickbait lists for "worst wrestling moments." Not even Katie fucking Vick was this bad.

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A dark humor webzine brutally mocking professional wrestling.